What is a giver?
Is it someone who is generous? Someone who goes above and beyond to serve others?
Perhaps. But that description only tells part of the story.
A giver is someone who is devoted to generosity, with no expectation of anything in return.
Someone who gives without taking.
This definition separates the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. It defines givers as a separate group from those who give.
Those who give can describe anyone who views giving as a transactional activity. Anyone who engages in an I’ll help you so you can help me arrangement. Anyone who sees generosity as a means to an end.
There are definite benefits to this model. Reciprocity can enhance networks, build trust and stoke collaboration.
Yet, it would be wrong to consider the transactional-minded people among us to be givers. The insincerity of their intentions makes the generosity ring hollow, even if it does benefit others.
A giver is not transactional. A giver is altruistic.
A giver’s energy is fully devoted to the act of giving. A giver’s focus is on the benefit their actions will provide others.
It’s not about putting oneself second. It’s about taking oneself out of the picture entirely.
This is the mentality that’s led to the anonymous monetary gift to fund so many critical institutions. To the volunteer who travels to a village in Africa to teach English. To the person who devotes their extra time and money to assist the less fortunate.
These actions have one thing in common. They were spurred compelled to help, but with no desire for recognition.
Everything else is irrelevant. The change the action provides for is paramount.
As such, expense is not a concern to givers. The act of generosity is worth what they pay in money, time and energy. If anything, the giver wishes they had more to donate.
And reciprocity is not a concern to givers either. Seeing others succeed provides givers their greatest thrill. It lifts their spirit and puts a smile on their face.
It’s all about the gift.
No strings attached.
This pureness is pretty straightforward. Yet, our society doesn’t know how to handle true generosity.
When we’re on the receiving end of a giver’s actions, we predominantly have two responses.
We either take advantage of the giver, or we seek to reciprocate.
The takers among us will gravitate toward the first response. In their minds, nothing needs to be exchanged. The giver is like a fire hose of free stuff. Might as well keep going back to the well.
For other recipients of generosity, conscience reigns supreme. These people recognize that the giver sacrificed something for their benefit, and they feel obliged to sacrifice something of their own to even up the score.
It might seem like one of these responses is worse than the other. But each is equally damaging to the giver.
You see, givers believe that a rising tide lifts all boats, and they’re committed to making a positive difference. They feel deep empathy for the cause they devote themselves to.
This is not a feeling they can just turn on or turn off. Every opportunity to help others in need is one they identify with. They simply can’t say no.
This empathy leaves givers open to being taken advantage of. Even if they recognize that they’re being used, givers identify with the plight presented to them more than the malicious intent behind it. They feel compelled to swoop in and save the day.
But this empathy also leaves givers open to being subverted. The one-for-you, one-for-me nature of a reciprocity offer undermines the giver. It wipes out any notion of common empathy in favor of obligation. And this makes the giver feel as if the purpose of their generosity was misunderstood.
When givers decline this quid pro quo offer, they will often follow up with a new act generosity toward the same recipient. The hope is that the second time is the charm. But this action unintentionally opens the door to more misunderstanding and potentially, further exploitation.
Both examples add to the emotional burden that givers carry. They make life harder for the giver. And they place the long-term viability of their actions that much more in doubt.
At some point, the load will be too much. At some point, the giver’s resolve will crack. And, tragically, these same recipients who have taken so much of what the giver has provided will turn around and ostracize them for breaking from their gratuitous pattern.
It’s a tragic cycle. But one that’s fully preventable.
And one that needs to me.
So, let’s change our mindset.
Let’s do right by the givers among us.
Let’s do what we can to grow the influence of generosity.
We can start this process by keeping things simple. When we receive the gift of generosity, we can respond with two words: Thank you.
This shows our appreciation to the giver, without roping them into another transaction.
But while we should demand less of the givers who have touched our lives, we should demand more of ourselves.
We should pay it forward. We should help others in the same manner that we were one assisted. And we should expect nothing in return.
If we get in the habit of doing this, we can become givers ourselves.
And the more givers there are, the more people there are to carry the burden of generosity. No longer will a saintly few will have to carry the emotional burden of so many.
These actions are within our reach. All we need to do is commit to them.
We can. And we must.
Generosity is a gift. Pass it on.