How well do you understand yourself?
Probably not as well as you think.
This statement is not meant to be an insult. It’s more a recognition of inherent blind spots in our own understanding.
For there are three components to our existence: Which values we hold internally, how we project those values externally and how others receive those projections.
All too often, when we claim self-actualization, we only have a grasp on the first two of these components. Or perhaps only the first one.
Calibrating our internal compass is important. It shields us from a self-fulfilling destiny of falsehoods and inconsistency. Having that True North reminds us of who we are and what we stand for, so that we may live our life consistent with those principles.
Yet, we do not live our lives in a vacuum. We rely on others for community and companionship. And as such, we must be vigilant when expressing our core tenets to those around us.
If we maintain consistency of purpose, clarity of vision and an unwavering commitment to our North Star, we can evoke clarity. We can engender trust. We can build connection.
The act of projecting our values doesn’t have to be flashy. But it should remain within character at all times.
Some of us might consider ourselves proficient at pulling this off. Others of us might not. Still others couldn’t care less.
Regardless of how we feel, the honest truth is the same: We likely have no clue about our ability to show the world who we are.
That’s because it’s not entirely up to us. It’s also up to those who receive our message and make their own assessment of it.
The opinion of others matters. It can open the door to opportunities or bar us from them. It can secure us a golden legacy or one of infamy.
We’ve traditionally downplayed this aspect of self-understanding. After all, other people can be unpredictable; gaining their acceptance can quickly devolve into a high-stakes guessing game. And pandering to the crowd could cause us to sacrifice our long-term values for short-term acceptance.
None of this is desirable.
So, we resolve to stay true to ourselves and focus on staying on a righteous path. The idea being that if we do this, everything else will fall into place.
It’s a nice thought. A utopian thought. And a deeply flawed thought.
That flaw in this idea? Our own humanity.
We are not perfect. Far from it.
And our bias blinds us to the truth.
Even if we believe we’re on the right path, there could be all manner of mistakes to stealthily sabotage our mission. There could be all sorts of blind spots to trip us up.
Workplaces have started to recognize this issue in recent years. That’s one reason why 360 degree assessments have taken over an increasing share of performance reviews.
Seeing how employees view themselves compared to how others view them provides a clearer picture. Aggregating these responses allows for more actionable feedback.
Yet, while this system has been helpful inside office walls, much of our life exists outside of them. And there are no scheduled performance reviews in the Real World.
So, how can we make sure we’re staying on track? How can we better understand the whole picture?
We can self-monitor.
Self-monitoring involves discovering our latent flawed tendencies and taking proactive steps to eradicate them. Much like a 360 feedback session, it requires us to step outside of our common perspective and view ourselves in a new light.
But this time, it’s not a supervisor initiating the cross-examination process. We’re running the show.
That means the right mindset is critical.
Self-monitoring requires humility, vulnerability and flexibility. It demands that we keep our eyes open, as well as our minds.
We must get comfortable with these traits, even if they make us squirm at first. For it is only by encountering our weaknesses that we can find our true strength.
Once we’ve bought into the self-monitoring mindset, we can commit ourselves to observation. We can see to how others react to us and follow up with subtly probing questions to get more context.
A self-critical perspective is crucial here. If we take on this task convinced of our own greatness, we won’t give these subtle cues from others their due process. We’ll consider them to be a nuisance at best, and an affront at worst — ignoring the critical role they might play in our identity.
A contrarian view provides for an open mind. And an open mind can lead to greater success.
After our period of observation, we should take some time to reflect.
What insights can we draw from the reactions we’ve seen? Are there situations where we’re viewed more favorably than others? Are there times when we act out of character?
This period of reflection can alert us to our unsavory tendencies — particularly those tied to a particular state of mind.
Perhaps we snap at others under stress. Or, we freeze when we unexpectedly find ourselves in the middle of a crisis.
If we hadn’t self-monitored, we likely wouldn’t have unearthed inconsistencies like these. But now that we’ve discovered them, we can work on replacing them with habits that better reflect our values.
We can come up with action plans for these new habits and practice them until they become muscle memory. Until the old tendencies are fully wiped away by the new ones.
Then, we can repeat the entire self-monitoring process. We can make new observations, find new insights and break new ground in ridding ourselves of inconsistencies and bad habits.
We can repeat the process, over and over — improving ourselves with each cycle.
This will make us well-rounded. And it can curry favor among those who once quietly disapproved of some aspect of our persona.
We still won’t be perfect, but we’ll be less flawed.
All of this is only possible when we surrender to a deeper level of introspection. And that’s only possible if we take the time to self-monitor.
So, let’s stop hiding in the safe havens of our own perspective. Let’s do the heavy lifting to truly understand ourselves. And to elevate ourselves to be the best we can be.