Tag: opinions

The Opinion Trap

Who cares what others think?

How often have we heard someone ask a question like this? Plenty of times, probably.

This question is rhetorical. The implied answer is that we shouldn’t take too much stock in what others have to say.

At first glance, this seems like well-intentioned advice.

After all, there are plenty of people out there, each with their own opinions. If we pander to the crowd, we lose a sense of ourselves. Or worse, we become co-opted by the views of others.

Better for us to promote our individuality. Better for us to wave off the background noise. Better for us to have faith in our own abilities.

And indeed, in a vacuum, such single-minded confidence might work.

But we don’t live in a vacuum. We live in the real world.

High school is an uncomfortable time. And yet, it can be an illuminating one.

Our bodies are transforming. Our minds are going through turbulence. And our social status is still being sorted out.

High school is the first time we’re faced with a real decision. Do we roll with the cool kids or linger among the outcasts?

It’s a cruel dilemma to be thrust upon an adolescent mind. For each decision has steep costs.

If we strive to be cool, we abandon our sense of individuality. We become an embodiment of the views and values of others.

But if we embrace our individuality, we find ourselves banished to the shadows. We miss out on many interactions with our peers. We risk the sting of loneliness at a time when we are ill-equipped to weather it.

My own high school days were marked by the tension between these fates.

I had already switched schools three times by the time I was 14, and I was aware of how difficult it could be to make new friends. Becoming a cool kid would appear to be my best path forward.

But many of my classmates were from a different background than I was. Plus they were much more outgoing than I was able to be.

So, I tried to split the difference. I joined the baseball team, and I sat near the popular kids as they held court at lunch. But otherwise, I retreated to my own world.

This approach did little to ease my angst. And although I met one my closest friends during high school, I don’t tend to look fondly on those days.

But perhaps I shouldn’t be so harsh. Maybe I shouldn’t consider the adolescent social status gauntlet as crude.

As it turns out, it’s a great primer for what comes next.

There are many definitions of adulthood. But the one I find most telling is The point at which one is self-sufficient, independent of their parents or guardians.

Yes, adulthood depends on self-sufficiency. And in a capitalist society, that means taking advantage of opportunities to financially sustain ourselves. Landing a steady job, selling enough of a product, or raising sufficient capital are three common ways to get there.

But where do those opportunities come from? They come from other humans.

Whether they’re representing a company or they’re simply consumers, other people are the linchpin to our success. Self-sufficiency is nothing more than a misnomer.

The fate of our future relies on the opinions of others. On their willingness to give us a chance, to provide us financing, to stick with us through thick and thin. This much is unavoidable.

But what of our credo of self-belief? What of our pledge to tune out what others think? How do we reconcile this contradiction?

I call this dilemma The Opinion Trap.

There are two main ways to confront The Opinion Trap. We can lean into it or we can attempt to escape it.

Those who lean in tend to follow the well-worn path. They actively seek the favorable opinions of others — particularly those who will provide them the opportunities they require. This might mean attaining certain educational milestones to stand out to hiring managers or working extra hours to impress their supervisors.

Such work can pay dividends. But it also diminishes the value of these individuals’ beliefs and opinions.

By contrast, some people have sought to escape The Opinion Trap. They’ve broken out from the corporate cycle and set off as entrepreneurs. These nonconformists are steeled by an intense belief in themselves. They’re determined not to let the views of others impact their fate.

And yet, on their way out of Dodge, many budding entrepreneurs are horrified to find The Opinion Trap lurking in their luggage.

Indeed, for their venture to take root, they need funding and a consumer base. And attaining both of those depends on the favorable opinions of others.

The Opinion Trap is insidious. And it is unavoidable.

If I were to pinpoint the moment I became an adult, I’d say it was the day I left my childhood home at age 18. But it wasn’t until I was 25 years old that I was financially self-sufficient.

My parents helped support me in college. And when my first job didn’t pay enough to cover my rent, my parents generously helped with the difference.

I was grateful to my parents for supporting me as I sought my footing in the world. But I also had aspirations of being self-sufficient.

So, when I exited the news media and moved across Texas, I was elated. Finally, I’d be able to sustain myself.

Then, I ran into the rough side of The Opinion Trap.

What I thought would be a two-week job search ended up lasting three months. With media experience all over my resume, I applied for a bevy of media relations and corporate communications positions. I figured this would be the most logical step forward.

But the opinions of the hiring managers filling those roles were unanimous. I was not qualified.

I will admit that these rebukes took me to a dark place. I had always believed in myself, but now I was questioning that faith. Was I really worthless all along, and was this just now coming to light?

Fortunately, I was able to get off this escalator before it hit rock bottom. Someone took a chance and offered me a digital marketing position. I didn’t know a thing about marketing at the time, but I got myself up to speed quickly. I’ve been in that industry ever since.

But even with the success I’ve seen, I’ve never fully recovered from that job search. My bouts with Imposter Syndrome — already prominent during my news media days — have only intensified. And I am continually worried that I will fall out of favor with the key decision-makers in my career.

With all this in mind, I’ve leaned hard into The Opinion Trap. I’ve taken on new responsibilities to stay in the good graces of my superiors. I’ve improved my customer service techniques to earn the trust of my clients. And I’ve gone back to business school to fill any perceived gaps in my marketing training.

These choices have paid dividends. But they leave the fate of my career — and my livelihood — squarely in the hands of others. If I run afoul of them in any way, I could end up out in the cold.

I have to live with that.

One way I do this is by escaping The Opinion Trap in all other aspects of my life. When it comes to my hairstyle, my exercise regimen, or the way I spend my free time, I rely solely on my own opinions. Even Words of the West is a venture where I follow my own nose. (Although the trust you put in me, dear reader, does loom large.)

For me, such a divide is necessary. It allows me to control the way I live my life, even if the way I sustain such a lifestyle relies on the good graces of others. That’s a compromise I can live with.

It’s on all of us to find a version of the middle ground that best suits us. To reconcile the importance of both outside perceptions and our own style. And to reconcile both in a healthy manner.

There is no clear roadmap for this objective. We’ll each need to find our own way forward through trial and error.

It’s daunting. But it’s the only way to keep The Opinion Trap from eating us alive.

So, let’s step to it.

A Foundation of Facts

There are few things in this world more concrete than facts.

The world is round. The sun rises in the east. The first one to the finish line wins the race. We inherently know these pieces of information, regardless of our interpretation of their meaning. While we might advocate vehemently for our perspective and our interests, we don’t mess with factual evidence.

Factual are indisputable, verifiable, proven. After all, there’s no plausible way to deny that 2 + 2 = 4.

But what if it wasn’t?

If there’s one theme from recent weeks, it’s that facts are negotiable. We can be hypnotized into believing that 2 + 2 = 5, and that anyone who says different has a dishonest agenda. We can suppress those who have taken the and due diligence to determine facts, and replace the void with opinion taken as absolute truth. With a mighty hand and blustery belligerence, we can take all that has been proven as “Just So” and make it “Anything But.”

This is as dangerous to humanity as it is ridiculous.

Facts serve as our foundation. Without our acceptance of these self-evident truths, humanity would long ago have gone extinct in a blaze of total anarchy. For if not for a common base of knowledge, we wouldn’t have the capacity to collaborate, build and evolve as a species.

A foundation of facts has led us to establish cities near plentiful water sources. It has helped us to accurately calculate profit margins for our business. And it has given us a jumping-off point as we seek to create ever more powerful microprocessors for our tech devices.

While it could be noted that an interpretation of specific facts could be directly attributed to these innovations, the point remains that humanity had to accept the ironclad nature of those facts in order to have a base to build from.

By attacking the fortress of factuality, we risk it all. With no semblance of order in our collective universe, those with the most power can coerce us into accepting their opinions as absolute. With no common core in our consciousness, we’re likely to jump off the figurative cliff, unwilling to accept the indisputable pull of gravity leading us to our demise.

We must fight back.

We must advocate for the presence of facts in our society, regardless of our views regarding them. We must separate fact from opinion, taking great care to evaluate each with the proper amount of weight. And regardless of our views, we must never let anyone rob us of the ability to think for ourselves.

These actions don’t represent the hallmarks of democracy. They represent the hallmarks of humanity.

And that’s something worth fighting for.

Our Only Self

You’ve probably heard the phrase “I’m going to be my best self today” before.

I think it’s a load of bull.

The person who we are and the person who others see — that should be the same person. If we’re putting different versions of ourselves on display, it means at least one of them ain’t real. And that ain’t right.

We owe it to our loved ones and ourselves to be real. What you see is what you get.

But what if others don’t like what they see? Then there are three options: create different personas to please everyone, stay true to yourself and please no one, or make changes in order to find a middle ground.

When people talk about being their best selves, they think they’re choosing the third option, but really they’re going for Column A. This makes them superficial and shallow.

If you’re shallow, others will walk right over you.

No one wants that, but in the quest to be “our best selves,” we end up in that particular lava pit — fossilizing into a meaningless existence, the memory of which will eventually be forgotten when others find something new to fawn over.

I know this, because I’ve been there.

The place I was raised is not the place I call home today. The road from one to the other was long and winding, and once I got to my destination, there was a temptation to shun the path I’d traveled to get there. It was easy to pretend that I dropped out of the blue, that my past was insignificant.

But that was wrong.

I’ve learned to embrace my past and my future. Sure, it can lead to a lot of awkward conversations with the people I’ve interacted with at various touchpoints on the incomprehensible path I’ve taken — there is no Google Maps for my life; it’s been mostly uncharted. But at the end of the day, I’m being real with everyone I come across, and that sentiment is translatable.

So what to do when you’re trying to improve your life without falling into the “best self” abyss?

It’s simple.

Think about what the change is for.

Is it to change other’s perception of you, or to improve your own life? Is is to improve your popularity or to grow your self esteem?

These attributes are often lumped together, but they shouldn’t be. Basing changes to your own life off of the predicted reactions of others is the shallowest and most selfish thing you can do. Gradually improving your life habits while staying on course with your True North will not only help you live a fuller life, but also help solidify your legacy.

Someone who’s real is golden. Someone who’s real and on the continual path toward self-improvement is memorable.

So instead of trying to be your best self, focus on being your only self. Don’t reinvent it. Improve it.

(And don’t post naked bathroom selfies on Facebook. You’re better than that.)

The Show Me Moment

“Do you have any questions?”

Five simple words. One question mark. But when they were directed towards me in my younger days, I’d transform into an arctic glacier.

It all made sense. Still does.

You see, I was a shy kid, the son of teachers. To me, routine and familiarity were crucial back then; going off-script was deadly. If I asked questions when prompted to, whether it was in class, at an interview or elsewhere, it would show that I didn’t get it, that I couldn’t follow. Little did I know back then, but the silent treatment instead proved that I truly didn’t get it.

Leaders don’t follow. Leaders communicate.

A prompt for questions is not a chance for the stragglers to catch up; it’s a chance for the best and brightest to stand out. Those that ask quality questions when prompted simultaneously prove their retention abilities while upping the ante by stimulating intellectual conversation.

With apologies to the great state of Missouri, it’s the real Show Me Moment.

I don’t know for sure when I figured this out and shook myself out of my adolescent daze. But I do know that for the past decade or so, I’ve made it a point to come up with high-quality questions at nearly every job interview, webinar or presentation I’ve been to. I’ve used a combination of advanced research and on-the-fly thinking to come up with these questions, but more importantly, I’ve rarely hesitated to ask them.

I’ve also found that you can learn a lot from the way a presenter, interviewer or teacher answers the questions you pose. For instance, I find when someone says, “Great question” and pauses before responding, it means my question hit the mark. I caught them off-guard in a good way — as they now have to think of a response on the fly.

Eliciting the “Great Question” response is powerful for several reasons. For one, it shows that you’re ready to take the discussion to the next level intellectually For another, it turns the tables on the person asking for questions; instead of them taking you out of your comfort zone, you’ve taken them out of theirs. And when those gears are suddenly and unexpectedly firing in their mind, a funny thing happens. You suddenly become more memorable to that person.

In essence, asking high-quality questions can help you stand out in a productive, non-obnoxious way. You’ll be seen as a great communicator, a sophisticated mind and a person worth paying attention to. This is true not only in the classroom, conference room or presentation space, but throughout life as a whole.

So don’t be afraid to ask those questions when prompted. Seize your Show Me Moment.

Rise Up Together

As I drove by a bank the other day, I noticed the Texas and American flags in front of it were at half-mast. By the time I reached the next red light, I had figured out which tragedy the half-mast gesture was referencing. That’s when I came to a truly depressing revelation.

It seems as if the flags are at half-mast more often than they’re flying high these days.

This is not normal. Furthermore, it shouldn’t be normal. We’re the greatest country in the world, a beacon of freedom and hope. We shouldn’t have to spend 30 seconds trying to figure out who we’re mourning today.

Mass shootings or terrorist attacks are a monthly occurrence in this nation. It’s something we’ve got to change, and I’ll be damned if I watch in silence any longer.

So let’s talk.

Every time a horrific act of mass violence breaks out, the general reaction seems to be the same. Shock, anger, depression, acceptance — all of the stages of grief are in play in some form, except bargaining. There’s usually a call for political action of some sort in there, but don’t confuse that with compromise. It’s more about taking a stand.

But turning to politics is a dead-end road. I’ve always believed the problem with politics is that Conservatives think they have the right answer and Liberals know they have the right answer. In truth, neither side does — making the dialogue between the two sides toxic in times like these, when tensions are high. Yet, when it comes to a response to the recent wave of bloodshed, the answer isn’t so clear-cut anyway, so let’s dig deeper.

Mass shootings exploit a flaw in the documentation our country is built upon. The right to bear arms is protected under the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution, but the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is protected under the Declaration of Independence. Mass shootings use one of our rights to callously deny another.

Sometimes the flaw can run even deeper. Religious expression is protected under the First Amendment of the United States Constitution. But when religious extremists open fire on others, they use two our rights to deny the most fundamental one we all have.

That said, taking away the rights to religion and to bear arms won’t rid us of these tragedies. People have been killing each other since the time of Cain and Abel, and people have been using religion as an impetus for violence for nearly as long. The bad guys will find a way, regardless of which tools they have at their disposal. Where we fail, collectively, is letting them become the bad guys in the first place.

I believe that there is good in most of us. But we don’t show it enough. Selfishness, hate and deceit are but a few of the evil tendencies of humanity that are all too prevalent in our society. When the less glamorous side of our existence is on display in large numbers, these dark feelings can consume the weak minded to the point of committing terrible actions.

We must show the good in ourselves more often. Spewing hate and closed-mindedness at others only breeds violence. Selfishly denying assistance to those who need help only leads to tragedy.

The holidays are here. Let’s show the good in ourselves — the compassion, selflessness and universal acceptance that has made our society so great. Let us show love over hate, collectively. This will help quell the crimson tide of bloodshed more than any anti-gun legislation or plan for religious persecution by an imbecile Presidential candidate ever will. We not only can do this. We must do this.

Let’s rise up together.