Tag: indulgence

Vice Buster

Where’s the sheepskin?

My pulse started racing as I scanned the room for it. I needed it.

I never slept without this sheepskin. It sat atop my pillow in my bed at home. It was packed in my bag whenever I spent an overnight away.

But now, on this overnight trip, it was nowhere to be found. My parents had somehow forgotten to pack it.

And now, I had two options. Stay up all night or put my head directly on the pillowcase.

I was committed to Option 1 for a while. Option 2 was too terrifying.

But eventually, I got groggy. And my resistance faded.

I felt the cool, crisp linen of the pillowcase against the back of my head. And soon I was fast asleep.

The Peanuts cartoon series features many iconic characters.

But one stands out above the rest – to me at least.

Linus Van Pelt.

Linus is a brilliant child who can easily explain scientific or philosophical concepts. His words make the other characters wiser, and they make the cartoon reader feel more enlightened too.

Yet, Linus also tends to suck his thumb like a toddler. And he carries a blanket with him wherever he goes.

This duality is rare in the Peanuts universe. Snoopy might be the only other character with such complexity.

Still, Linus is not unique. Far from it.

At any given moment, there are hundreds of millions of Linus Van Pelt protégés in all corners of our nation. You can find them in school classrooms, on playgrounds, and anywhere else kids gather.

This is no accident. It’s by design. Our design.

We lift up our children, highlighting their earliest moments of brilliance and encouraging more of it. Like a coach training an Olympic pole vaulter, we set the bar high, and then raise it ever higher.

But we also hold down our children, infantilizing them every chance we get. We let them carry around a blanket or suck their thumb until kingdom come. Because the alternative is too distressing – for both children and parents.

We’d rather not see our perfect, brilliant children crying in terror because we took away their creature comforts. And we’d rather not acknowledge that our children are growing up, and primed to turn the page on how we see them now.

So, we let them be Linus. We encourage them to be Linus – for as long as they can be.

This choice might seem inconsequential in the moment. But it carries a long shadow.

You see, the Linus model adds something toxic into the minds of the next generation. Namely, the concept of vices.

The longer children are allowed to hang onto their blanket, their stuffed animal, or their Hot Wheels toy, the more intractable it becomes. Children no longer treat the item like a companion on life’s journey; the item becomes a convenient escape instead.

We eventually do outgrow our blankets, our stuffed animals, our Hot Wheels toys. But as we morph into adolescents and adults, we never can shake the reliance on a convenient escape.

So, we turn to alcohol, to gambling, to excessive sugar, or to a whole host of other grown-up vices. Like Linus, we use these things to hide from the difficulties of the world. But unlike Linus, we have a responsibility to face those difficulties. After all, they won’t simply go away if we turn away from them.

Shirking our responsibility leaves us up a creek without a paddle. And the world suffers for it.

Make no mistake, the Linus model is not a viable one.

Vices are far from harmless. They must be rooted out.

When my family returned from our overnight trip, the sheepskin was on my pillow. Right where my parents had left it while packing for our travels.

I lay my head on the sheepskin, feeling its familiar warmth. And I quickly dozed off.

But once I awoke, a profound revelation came over me.

I didn’t need this item to sleep. The world of sheepskin-less pillows had turned out not to be so terrifying. And even if there were some frights awaiting me down the road, I had what I needed within me to face them. An inanimate object wasn’t going to save me.

I tossed the sheepskin aside and put my head back on the pillowcase. My Linus days were over.

In the decades that followed, I did pick up some vices. But they were all minor flings, rather than committed relationships.

I never let vices get their hooks into me. And when I felt their sharp edges digging into my skin, I shook them off.

Eventually, I started to make a sport of it. While some would cast off unhealthy habits for New Year’s or for Lent, I took pride in ridding myself of them for life.

So, away went McDonald’s, and Dr Pepper, and Jack Daniel’s. Whatever pleasures they gave me in the moment paled from what they would cost me over the long run.

I resolved to face life’s roller coaster with a clear mind and a clean bill of health. And for a time, my sacrifices to this end were the story.

But then life got hard.

A global pandemic hit. My career shifted. My social circle evolved.

I returned to competitive running, only for injuries to tear me apart. I managed to balance my books, only for a shift in the economy to leave me swimming upstream again.

I had every excuse to turn the clock back. To return to my old vices to dull the pain, and to provide me reassurance.

But I left my vices behind, favoring select indulgences instead. The occasional bakery sweet. The more-than-occasional expletive. The daily cup of coffee – black, no sugar – to keep me extra alert.

I wasn’t cowering from that north wind. I was turning into it and letting its bitter sting wash over my face.

These challenges weren’t going to define me. No, that was my story to write.

The Peanuts story effectively ended in 2000, when its cartoonist died. Yet the Linus-ification of society persists.

Indeed, vices are intertwined in our societal ecosystem. There are whole product lines, networks of manufacturing plants, and even a desert oasis devoted to them.

So much of what we cling to is not harmful on its own. But when we ask it to be our salvation, our sanctuary, our beacon of reassurance, we dig ourselves a hole we can’t ever climb out of.

We can do better.

We can take each new challenge as a moment of truth. We can remind ourselves that the courage to meet the moment lies deep within us – and that only we can coax it to the surface.

Once we recognize that truth for what it is, the choice should become clearer.

Do we run and hide from what’s in our midst? Or do we dig our heels in and face it head-on?

The first road feeds vices, exponentially tightening their grip over us. The second road starves vices, redefining them as indulgences.

I’m committed to that second road. Are you?

Generous Indulgence

We pulled up to the bakery in a 1985 Toyota Corolla. A boxy, tan sedan with a stick shift transmission and seat belts that only went over the passengers’ laps.

It was the ultimate nondescript 1980s car. But this was the early 1990s, so it was even more obscure.

We all got out of the car — my grandmother, my younger sister and I. And as we walked to the bakery door, my grandmother gave us a friendly warning.

Now remember, kids, she said. Don’t let grandma get a Danish, cause they make grandma fat.

Instructions in hand, we walked inside. My sister chose a rainbow cookie from the display case, while I selected a black and white cookie.

For the uninitiated, a black and white cookie is basically heaven in a baked good. It’s made of cake filling and topped with hardened chocolate and vanilla icing. And as a child, I was obsessed with them.

I was salivating, imagining the taste of that sugary goodness, when I heard my grandmother’s voice calling out to the bakery associate.

And one Danish, please.

My sister and I turned to my grandmother, horrified.

Grandma, no! we called out in unison. You told us not to let you get a Danish!

My grandmother smiled back at us. I know, but they’re so good! I can’t resist.

Over the years, this pattern would play out over and over on our trips to the bakery. In fact, it soon became a running joke between my sister and I. Grandma’s going to tell us not to let her get the Danish, but still order it anyway.

This scene was my grandmother in a nutshell. Determined, yet indulgent.

 

My grandmother always had a sweet tooth. My sister and I would stay at her house about one weekend a month, sleeping on in our mother’s childhood room.

When we woke up in the morning, our grandmother would serve us Entenmann’s donuts — chocolate iced goodies stuffed with cake filling. She stored them in the refrigerator, which made them delightfully crisp as we took our first bite.

It was a decidedly unhealthy way to start the day. But my grandmother didn’t care. The smiles on our faces made it all worthwhile.

For dessert, we’d all have ice cream — even if the sugar kept us up past an acceptable bedtime. My grandmother loved ice cream. So it only seemed sensible to her that we’d be allowed to have it too.

These were only a few of the ways she spoiled us. She would also get us gifts and let us watch our favorite movies on VHS tapes over and over again. Her reward for all this generosity was the sheer joy in our faces.

And yet, these seemingly small gestures were far from empty for her. They represented fulfilled dreams.

I’ve written a lot before about my grandfather. My mother’s father was a World War II veteran, a renowned storyteller, and one of my heroes. Black and white photos of him in his Navy uniform adorn my home, and I continually feel his presence in my life.

But my grandmother has shaped my life as profoundly as my grandfather did. And in a roundabout way, I’ve helped define her legacy as well.

My grandmother was raised in Brooklyn during the Great Depression. The youngest of three children in an impoverished family, she didn’t have much growing up. But she did have grand aspirations for herself.

My grandmother did well in school and went on to get both undergraduate and graduate degrees. She worked for some time as a phone operator, connecting lines for phone calls in the days before automatic dialing. But she ultimately spent decades as a speech therapist in the New York City Public School system.

Even as I share this fact, I can’t help but chuckle. For my grandmother had a thick New York accent, and a knack for mispronouncing things. On trips to the zoo, my father would make fun of how she pronounced the name for a certain type of buffalo. 

It’s bison, he would say. Not Bye-sawn.

Nevertheless, my grandmother did well in the role over the years.

Still, my grandmother’s greatest passion was not her work. It was her family. My mother, my sister and I represented her direct legacy — particularly when it came to education. She knew of the doors that education provided her, and wanted us to realize similar opportunities.

We never lost sight of that fact. We couldn’t.

When my mother earned her doctorate, she treated the achievement as if it was my grandmother’s as much as her own. And when my sister and I earned our undergraduate degrees, my grandmother traveled all the way to Miami and Chicago, respectively, to cheer us across the finish line.

After all those indulgences we received, it felt great to indulge her. To see the sheer joy on her face.

Several years ago, my parents and my grandmother took a trip Dallas. My grandfather had recently passed away. And while his loss was still raw, it gave my grandmother a chance to visit me in Texas — which she had hoped to do for years.

As we walked down a sun splashed sidewalk next to the Dallas Museum of Art, my grandmother implored me to continue my education.

I had toyed with the idea of going to graduate school for years. But I didn’t want to quit my job to do so. And the prospect of joining a professional program — working by day and taking classes in the evening — seemed too daunting. So, I kept delaying, and delaying, and delaying.

Now, my grandmother was calling my bluff.

A business degree would do a lot for you, she mentioned. I won’t be around forever. I’d like to see you get started.

Her words resonated. This wasn’t the playful Don’t let me get a Danish routine. This was serious.

So, at long last, I started the process. I scoped out several local business schools. I took the GMAT. I applied to schools, and I earned acceptance letters.

And a little over a year after our conversation, I started my grad school journey. My grandmother was excited, and that elation kept me going — even as I struggled to return to my old educational routines.

Then, on the first day of my second semester, I learned that my grandmother had died of a heart attack. Suddenly, my mission changed. Getting an MBA was no longer about elevating my career or making my grandmother proud. It was about honoring her legacy.

The next 18 months were as grueling as they were enlightening. But I powered through, a man possessed. And ultimately, I earned my Masters in Business Administration — with high grades to boot.

At the reception following graduation, my parents shared a word with me.

We’re so proud of you, they said. But your grandmother would be so proud of you as well.

I let the words sink in. And as I did, I thought of all I had been given that got me to this moment.

I reminisced about the sweets — the black and white cookies, the Entenmann’s donuts, the ice cream. I remembered all the gifts I’d received — the toys, books and puzzles.

All that generosity had taught me the value of sharing and of giving. And throughout business school, I had tried to pay it forward to my classmates by helping them prepare for tests and assignments.

But most of all, I considered all the time I had with my grandmother. That was the greatest gift of all. And by fulfilling her dreams, I hoped I had made the most of it.

Not long ago, my sister sent me an audio file. It was of all of us — my sister, my parents, my grandmother and myself — sitting around the dining room table, telling stories about my grandfather.

The stories were entertaining, and many of them made my chuckle. But what stood out most was hearing my grandmother’s voice again.

I miss my grandmother.

I miss her kindness. I miss her smile. I even miss her occasional naivete.

All that is gone now. Or is it?

For everywhere I look, my grandmother’s memory abounds. Whenever I pass a bakery window, come across a word she mispronounced or see my diplomas on the wall, it’s as if she’s still here.

Most of all, the principles that my grandmother espoused continue to endure. The value of opportunity. The love of learning. And the indulgence of generosity.

It’s my responsibility to continue spreading those principles. And I plan on doing so for as long as I am able.