Tag: empathy

Navigating a Complex Society

As I reflect on the state of our society, one thought lingers:

I feel lost.

Not in a dark and hopeless way. More in the sense of: Where do we go from here?

The roadmap used to seem so simple: Do the right thing, connect with each other, grow as one. But there are layers of complexity making that path much more obscure.

Consider this:

  • We aim to build bridges across cultural divides in pursuit of a common good. Yet, by ignoring those cultural divides altogether, we ruin all the goodwill we’ve built.
  • We strive to care about each other and share a goal of a brighter future. Yet, by caring too much, our partisanship serves to divide and alienate.
  • We seek to trust others and find solace in their best intentions. Yet, blind trust easily exposes us to exploitation.

Shades of gray are everywhere. And they make the principle of unity seem as unfeasible as it is noble.

You see, striving for a common good requires us to rally around what we share, and use empathy to connect over what we don’t. But that connection only goes so deep. As a white man in Texas, I can’t pretend to understand the plight of a black woman in California. There are barriers of geography, skin color, gender and upbringing — along with 400 years of ugly historical constructs.

I can’t break through that barrier; neither can she. Even as we each strive to build a better future for our collective society, our differences remain a visible scar.

How do we build off this? How can we accept and celebrate our differences without letting the presence of that divide – and its associated fear, mistrust and isolation — destroy us?

I don’t know. But I know we need to try.

We must seek to get a better grasp on the complexities of our society. We must discover what unifies us and what divides us. We must understand what we should rally around together and what we should respectfully leave be. And we must build upon what we share without whitewashing that which we don’t.

This process will be difficult and uncomfortable. But it will help us remove the divisive stench of racism, misogyny and xenophobia — three ugly results of our unwillingness to come to terms with a complex society.

It will take a lot more than truly understanding the real ground rules of how we create to each other if we want to build a brighter future for everyone. But we owe it to ourselves to at least take that first step forward.

The Key to Happiness

What makes you happiest?

There are few questions that bring out our individuality more than that one.

Some people might mention a beach vacation, or watching their favorite sports team win the championship. Others might mention gifts they’ve received, or time spent with their significant other.

My answer is a bit more complex: When the people I care about are happy, so am I.

I know that might sound like a bit strange, so let me explain.

Happiness, like many other emotions, tends to skew personal. This means that what makes us the happiest are often things we individually stand to gain from.

This fact, by itself, is not terribly dispiriting —after all, the saying goes, “Tis better to have than to have not.” But prolems arise when those personal gains that bring us happiness come at the expense of others.

Happy you got the job offer? Plenty of other candidates got a rejection email. On Cloud 9 cause your favorite team won the title? Fans of the other team are in agony.

These considerations don’t often cross our minds in moments of bliss, but they should. For when we don’t approach joy with empathy, we’re often left feeling hollow and even depressed once the elation wears off.

The good news is that empathy can be built. It just takes commitment to a perspective of selflessness.

I know this statement to be true because I’ve lived it.

As a kid, I felt happiest when opportunities and experiences in my life directly benefited me. It was a primitive, ugly way to view my interactions with the world — one that left me prone to mood swings when my personal needs and desires weren’t being addressed.

Luckily, I was able to evolve out of this pattern. I had the good fortune of being surrounded by many selfless, empathetic people throughout adolescence and early adulthood. Those values rubbed off on me — particularly as I exposed myself to a great amount of adversity on account of my life decisions.

I learned quickly just how fulfilling putting others first can feel. How putting their feelings ahead of mine could build an emotional connection with them and simultaneously allow me to approach the ebbs and flows of my personal life with a steady mind.

This focus on empathy made me feel wholesome and empowered. I could celebrate the successes of my friends and family right along with them, and truly be there to help them through the hard times. I could shake off the disappointment of being passed up for a certain opportunity by feeling genuine happiness for the person who did — even if I didn’t know them personally.

Empathy has helped me grow, and it’s become a staple of who I am.

But more than that, genuine empathy is key to unlocking true happiness. Pursue it wholeheartedly, and you stand to benefit more fully than you could ever imagine.

Our Most Important Attribute

The most important measure of a person is the size of their heart.

Think about it.

The heart is where compassion, empathy, selflessness and love flow. When we express these feelings towards others, we build a positive community and make the world a better place.

Yes, the brain is important. And there are other body parts that all have their importance as well.

But I’ll take someone with a big heart over all of that.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Forrest Gump, for that very reason. Forrest is a man with a subpar IQ, but a heart that’s off the charts.

And we see that heart on display constantly. When Charlie ambushes his platoon in Vietnam, Forrest risks his life time and again to retrieve his wounded comrades. When his shrimp boat business takes off, he insists on giving Bubba’s mother her full share. Forrest never gives up on Lieutenant Dan or Jenny, even when others do.

It’s because of all of these actions that Forrest’s line late in the movie — “I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.” — has such great resonance. So simple, but so poignant; Forrest has proved this point throughout his life.

We should all strive to be like Forrest Gump. To share our heart with others and positively impact their lives. For it will not only positively affect our lives in return, but it will also change the world.

During this season full of friends, family and faith, ask yourself one question:

How big can my heart be?