Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.
Surely, you’ve heard this phrase before.
After all, it seems to be the ethos of life.
Our culture is captivated by winning. We’re entranced by it. And we’re obsessed with it.
Whether we’re backing down defenders in a pickup basketball game or gunning for that prime parking spot outside the grocery store, coming in first is all that matters.
This fixation gives us an edge. It can provide us the impetus to drive ourselves to greatness.
But that edge cuts both ways.
Much of our lives involve negotiation. Negotiation is the process of giving something up to get something in return.
It all sounds a bit cold and transactional. But that’s precisely the point.
For life is full of conflicting interests.
Sometimes all parties involved are going after the same resource — like the last croissant on the breakfast spread. Other times, their objectives might be different than ours — as is the case during a salary deliberation.
In either case, trade-offs are essential to finding a productive middle ground. And trade-offs get hashed out through negotiation.
The art of negotiation is an increasingly important concept. One that has come to govern the world in recent generations.
This is the case because of the rise of economics. Adam Smith published The Wealth of Nations in 1776. In the centuries since then, economists have come to view societies as markets constrained by scarce resources.
In plain English, this means that modern economics is based upon the concept of trade-offs. On giving up something to get something else.
By nature, these trade-offs necessitate negotiation— between owners and employees, between government and its constituents and between nations themselves. And so, these discussions have become a hallmark of our society.
Yes, it’s hard to get too much done without negotiation these days.
So, why are we so terrible at it?
You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find you get what you need.
These lines come from an eponymous 1969 Rolling Stones song. While the full set of lyrics from this song carry an ironic tone, the message from these lines rings true.
Or at least it used to.
My first memory was listening to this song in the back of my parents’ car. Nearly two decades had passed since it first hit the airwaves at that point, and I was too young to know what the words meant. But I distinctly remember hearing them.
Not long after that moment, the Berlin Wall fell — and with it, the Iron Curtain. Apartheid was abolished in South Africa. A military dictatorship ended in Chile. New trade agreements appeared between the United States, Canada and Mexico.
The world was evolving at a breakneck pace. And for the most part, it was doing so peacefully.
This was an extraordinary development after decades of divisiveness and armed conflict. And it spoke to the power of negotiation.
In most of these cases, representatives didn’t gather around a table to hash out their differences. But they still engaged in a series of significant trade-offs.
It was a great moment for the principle of negotiation. But that moment has faded.
Today, the world looks much different. Our perspectives are colored by the long shadows of the 9/11 terrorist attacks and the global financial crisis. Trust is waning.
Meanwhile, the rapid rise of technology behemoths like Facebook and Twitter — both founded by college dropouts — has conveyed the message that the old rules don’t apply. That you can get what you want and what you feel you need. All without compromising along the way.
Negotiations these days no longer seem like trade-offs. They’re standoffs.
This is a full-fledged breakdown of an essential skill.
And while this breakdown is not solely responsible for the divisiveness of our society, it’s certainly helping to fan the flames.
Many people view negotiation as a Battle Royale these days. As a test of mettle or resolve.
I’m not one of them.
Instead, my negotiating philosophy is straightforward.
- Help others get what they want.
- Accomplish this without causing myself irreparable harm.
If I can achieve these objectives, I move forward. If I can’t, I walk away.
Yet, I rarely find myself abandoning the negotiation.
There’s a simple reason for this. It draws from my first principle of negotiation.
By looking to help others first, I flip the script. I approach the deliberation asking What can I give? instead of What can I get?
This tends to have a bit of a disarming effect on the people I’m negotiating with. Instead of declaring a competing objective, I’m offering to help them achieve theirs.
My negotiation partners are often eager to accept my assistance. Doing so can mark a significant victory for them and their objectives. Plus, in a moment where tensions are heightened, it provides them a path of least resistance.
But invariably, their conscience will get the better of them. Whether under the guise of fairness, respect or politeness, the satisfied negotiation partner will ask me what I am looking for out of the deliberation. And when I state my objectives, they often feel an obligation to help me achieve them.
This is the ideal way my negotiations play out. But in practice, it doesn’t always go like this.
Indeed, there are some who go into a negotiation looking for a free ride. There are some who see my accommodation as an invitation for their indulgence.
This is why I have the second principle in place. It’s why I have the fortitude to draw a line in the sand and the gumption to give up on the proceedings altogether if need be.
When push comes to shove, I will protect myself with all my might.
But I treat that situation as a possibility, not an inevitability.
Winning matters. It’s been this way for centuries, and will likely be this way for centuries to come.
But the way we perceive winning can evolve. And indeed it must.
Our world is more connected than ever before. That means we must work together more often.
There is no room for winner-take-all. Our patience for zero-sum standoffs is waning.
It’s time for us to approach negotiation with an infinite mindset. It’s time for us to focus on what we can give over what we stand to get. It’s time for us to consider what we can achieve together.
That is where true power lies. And that is what winning is all about.