Category: Thoughts

Gratitude Through Turmoil

The holidays are here once again. As we prepare to feast on copious amounts of food, reconnect with loved ones and stress about shopping, a sense of finality is starting to set in.

Yes, although the calendar makers might not have gotten everything right — 30 days have September, April, June and November? Are you kidding me?! —they at least had the common decency to ensure the holiday season puts a tidy bow on the year.

As holidays ramp up, it’s natural to count our blessings. That’s what Thanksgiving was originally about, and it remains a central theme throughout the entire holiday season (along with lights, Santa hats and caroling).

However, I sense something different this time around. In the wake of a particularly trying year — one that has culminated in the most contentious election of our lifetime — a sense of angst has seemingly replaced that of gratitude.

This is far from unexpected. Division and mistrust have been central themes from coast to coast this year, often resulting in anger and violence. We’ve seemingly spent more time pointing the finger at others than we’ve spent trying to heal our fractured society. And we’ve given no indications that we plan on finding collective solutions to these problems anytime soon.

All of this is discouraging. But what upsets me the most is seeing people I look up to sitting in the corner with their head in their hands.

Too many of us are giving up. And that’s unacceptable.

I’ve put myself through the fire multiple times throughout my life, and I know that the moments that test our mettle are the ones that define us. It’s not about being backed into a corner; it’s about how we respond.

Those of us who believe in morality, acceptance and empathy have had a rough go of it recently. This is clear. And the principles of collectivism and inclusiveness have never seemed more like a pipe dream fantasy.

However, we should stop looking at the glass as half-empty. Even in times of turmoil, there is much that’s worthy of our gratitude.

We should be thankful that we hold the principle of decency dear in our hearts. That we pass them along to our children. That we live what we preach.

And we should appreciate that our collective predicament presents a giant opportunity. An opportunity to live our lives righteously, as we have always done. An opportunity to lead by example. And an opportunity to slowly get our society back to one that espouses values that connect and strengthen, rather than divide and weaken.

There is much work to be done. But we have the power to do it.

For that, we should be eternally grateful.

The Control Illusion

I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.

Truer words might never have been spoken. But is it all an illusion?

As a general rule, we are captivated by control. Ensconced in it. It’s why we wear our lucky jersey when we watch our favorite team play, why we head out to vote, why we lock our doors and park our vehicles in well-lit areas.

We are addicted to control because the unknown is disturbing. The possibility of disappointment or failure leaves us vulnerable, cold and unprotected. So we shield ourselves from danger by convincing ourselves we have a say.

We don’t.

Think about the first thing you did this morning. You opened your eyes to a brand new day, and you’ve likely felt in control of your actions ever since.

But what caused you to open your eyes? Was it the sun through the blinds? The beeping of an alarm clock. Some silent cue you can neither recall nor explain?

Truth is, you had no control over that primary action in your day. Something else — God, nature, circadian rhythm, who knows — something else was responsible.

And it goes far beyond that. We’re all riding on a spinning ball orbiting a blinding light, with no seat belt to protect us. As such, we have far less of a say in how factors of time, space, weather, physics or circumstance will alter our immediate destiny than we’d like to believe.

So we set up smoke screens. We jump into the Matrix and convince ourselves we’re at the helm, that our actions will lead to desired outcomes.

It’s comforting, reassuring — and preposterous.

Our one vote won’t swing the election. The jersey we wear when we watch our favorite team won’t help them win. And that safe, well-lit parking spot probably won’t protect your ride if the sky fills with hailstones.

Why must we spend all kinds of karmic energy trying to grasp control of these unknown variables, when it won’t do us a lick of good in the end?

There’s a better way. It requires us to accept the profound, and refocus our controlling tendencies in areas where we really can make a difference.

The kind of person we are. The decisions we make. The ways we act towards others. These are the factors we should be controlling; they can help us positively contribute to our society and improve our well-being.

Sure, shifting our focus in this direction means leaving the outcomes of many other events we care about to chance — and that’s scary. But we’ve never really had control of these independent variables anyway; we just blinded ourselves from the truth with the illusion that we did.

So let’s double down on controlling how we contribute to our family, community and society. For at the end of the day, the outcome of that pursuit is how we’ll be defined.

The ball’s in our court. It’s on us to pick it up.

Taking Stock

Why do we spread our focus so thin?

It’s a question we don’t often ponder. But maybe we should.

I know that personally, I’ve overloaded myself on insignificant items of interest in recent years. I’ve been determined to catch every episode of every TV show I liked, watch every game my favorite teams play, read every article my favorite Internet marketing publications ever put on the web.

It hasn’t been FOMO driving this pattern — I’ve made my feelings clear on that — but rather, an all or nothing mentality. In essence, I’ve given myself an ultimatum: “Either I will take in all I can consume of a subject, or I will take in none of it.”

All too often, I’ve taken the first option.

Now this was all well and good at first — this immersion demonstrated a consistent dedication to the subjects I cared about, one that would lead to benefits in either my career or well-being (yes, I know I bashed leisure time once, but it can still have therapeutic benefits).

But over time, this dedication has become a burden. There are only so many hours in a week, and I’ve found myself planning mine around factors out of my control, such as the schedule of a pro sports team or the article count of an online publisher.

The more I talk about this, the more ridiculous it sounds. But much like a train, it’s hard to stop this pattern once it gets rolling.

Or at least it has been until recently.

***

For various reasons, I’ve shaken things up in recent months. Although I’m generally averse to change, I’ve swallowed my pride and sacrificed some of my carefully crafted weekly routine in order to better myself professionally.

With these changes in motion, I’ve found myself with far less free time than I once did. As a result, I’ve been spending less time watching sports, keeping track of every show or reading material that may or may not be interesting.

But it goes much further than that. I’ve focused precious little time on fantasy football, and I’ve been wasting less energy on pointless exchanges with friends through text messages or social media.

I’ve given up a lot of things I once enjoyed. And you know what? It feels liberating.

You see, I’ve taken stock of my life. The time squeeze I’ve found myself in has forced me to subconsciously evaluate what truly matters to me.

And what does truly matter to me? Only a finite list of things: maintaining my relationships with those closest to me, writing articles like this one, cooking good food, exercising, spending quiet moments outdoors, advancing my career — and yes, occasionally watching football on fall weekends.

Renewing my focus in these pursuits, and these pursuits alone, is liberating. I have control over my destiny — not the calendar or some TV programming executive somewhere. And whatever I choose to devote myself to in a specific moment receives my full dedication, attention and passion. It’s a win-win.

***

This model represents how it should be, but seldom how it is.

Whether it’s our own competitiveness, FOMO or a drive to lay claim to watercooler conversation, we find reasons to worry about too many things that are far too insignificant in the long run (fantasy football, anyone?).

We’re doing no one any favors with this behavior, yet we persist.

But we have what it takes to break the chain, to stop ourselves paper-thin. So let’s take stock of our lives, figure out what’s truly important, and then double down on that.

Our destiny is in our hands. It’s time to grasp it.

Dig Deeper

Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.

The late Jim Valvano uttered those words when I was I was far too young to understand their significance. But I’ve seen the highlights of his 1993 ESPY speech several times. And each time, they’ve moved me to tears.

Here was an accomplished basketball coach dealt a cruel blow — a cancer diagnosis in an era where treatment was far less effective than it is today. He had every excuse to shut it down, to prepare for the seemingly inevitable, to quit.

But he didn’t.

Jimmy V decided to devote his life to raising money for cancer research, in hopes of saving millions of people in a future he knew he wouldn’t be around for. He refused to let his wit, his humor and his exuberance for life fade away, even as he fought a battle more grueling than most of us could ever imagine. And he combined his mission and his virtues into one of the most important and inspirational speeches I’ve ever come across — a speech he delivered energetically at a time when he barely had the physical strength to stand.

It was inspirational, emotional and powerful. And it continues to remind us that quitting should not be an option.

***

Things ain’t always rosy. That’s a fact. Over the course of our lives, we all have times of struggle — times where it feels like everything’s spiraling out of control and we just want to throw our hands in the air and say “Screw it all.” I know I have.

Now, the cause of this outburst might very well be mundane in the long run, but that won’t stop our blood from boiling due to the frustration. It won’t stop us from thinking that throwing in the towel is the most feasible option. After all, self-preservation is an instinct we all share.

In moments like these, we must heed the words of Jimmy V.

Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.

There is always more we can give, more we can do, more we can try. A no can lead to a yes, an untenable situation can yield a more suitable one — and yes, a rainbow might be hiding behind that storm cloud.

We can — and should — iterate. We can learn from our current stress-inducing predicaments to build a more efficient and smooth future for ourselves.

But what we can’t do is give up.

***

Now, this is not to say that we should keep smoking, just because kicking the habit involves the word “quit.” And if our job is leading to nothing but misery, moving on might be prudent. I once left a job and moved 300 miles without having a new employer lined up; while the struggle was quite real at first, it ultimately paid major dividends.

But does axing a nicotine fix or saying sayonara to an untenable position really count as giving up? I’d say no, as each is but a small step in concrete plan to improve our well-being.

On the other hand, when a project we undertake turns out to be more difficult or exhausting than we’ve anticipated, we must not entertain the notion of quitting. We must fulfill our obligations, even if the end result is not quite to our expectations. For completing what we undertake gives us the satisfaction of closure, as well as the strength to rise to the next challenge.

***

Life is linear — and our path through it will be littered with challenges, frustrations and self-doubts. These are opportunities. Opportunities to see what we’re made of. Opportunities to grow. Opportunities to dig deeper than we knew we could.

A generation ago, a man with seemingly nothing left to give devoted everything he had to saving and inspiring future generations. What’s your excuse?

Leisure vs. Obligation

“I don’t have time for that.”

I’ve heard this time and again.

It’s cop out, an excuse — and a bold-faced lie.

Truth be told, we generally do indeed have time to satisfy more requests, to add obligations. But we’d rather not, so we make ourselves believe we don’t.

Why do we play this Jedi Mind Trick on ourselves? It all circles back to a misguided perception — one stating that mixing in leisure time with our daily obligations is important for maintaining good health.

Newsflash: It’s not.

***

If we put our minds to it, we could all be more productive. We could do more to expand our knowledge, serve our community, maintain our fitness and build our career. After all, there are 168 hours in a week — and 72 of those remain after you deduct 7 full nights’ sleep and 5 full days of work.

But filling those hours with productive activities is tedious. It’s mundane. It’s not fun.

So we fill much of that time with leisure instead — we watch TV shows, go out to dinner or drop a pretty penny at the mall.

At first, this might not seem so bad. But leisure is like a gateway drug — it sucks you in and clouds your perception of reality. Over time, we find ourselves devoting more and more of our time and money to leisure — and then rationalizing our increasingly reckless behavior by saying it’s necessary for our own well-being.

It’s not how the world works. It’s how we want it to work.

***

The sad reality is that our enthrallment with leisure is actually detrimental to our well-being. Leisure serves both as a mindless distraction and an enabler. It dulls our mental acuity and laughs in the face of responsibility. Worst of all, leisure creates a culture where we’re allowed to spin the narrative without reproach by generating endless excuses in its defense.

Ultimately, leisure serves as a tantalizing roadblock — one that prevents us from reaching our full potential. Its presence also robs the community around us — as it limits the amount of energy we can expend on making the world a better place.

Such a debilitating cycle, all starting with “a little fun.”

***

It’s time to stop the madness.

Let’s claim back our lives, and prevent leisure from running amok. We can do this by treating our leisure time like an obligation — planning for it and fitting it into a finite window — and by continually asking ourselves the tough question: “Is this activity going to make me more productive?”

The way we spend our time matters. It’s high time we regain control over it.

Substance Over Flash

We love flash.

Flash is cool. Flash is glamourous. Flash stands out.

Flash invokes our fantasies and impacts our behavior. After all, we want to be cool, to be glamourous, to stand out.

This fascination with shiny objects is the catalyst for our salacious culture and for our waning attention spans. It’s what created the 24-hour celebrity news cycle, the Oregon Ducks’ jersey series and the term “Trending on Twitter.” It made materialism, and its associated habitual overindulgence both acceptable and expected.

Plus, flash is irresistible. Just say that name out loud. Flash. Doesn’t it sound like a red Ferrari zipping by? And who wouldn’t want a Ferrari?

I mean, long before the Internet was a thing, and even before hundreds of channels filled our cable boxes, we had Flash Gordon, and that mesmerizing theme song by Queen.

Yes, flash has been in for so long that even our parents thought it was cool. And somehow that fact doesn’t diminish our fascination with it.

But here’s the thing: Flash won’t last.

It is, by its very nature, a one-time attraction. A fleeting moment of glory. An adrenaline high.

Life is too long to base off of flash. And those that try — by drawing themselves to the bright lights over and over — all too often end up empty inside.

Indeed, everything from gambling addiction to personal bankruptcy can all too often be directly attributed to flash. We find ourselves consumed.

Like moths to a flame, only ashes remain.

This is not the way to be. We don’t build our houses with Styrofoam. So we shouldn’t build our lives out of a sensation that ends up in the dumpster just as quickly.

We must instead focus on substance.

Now, making this point is a hard sell. After all, substance is bland, dry and unremarkable. It requires dedication, hard work and consistency.

Still, while shifting to substance is bitter pill to swallow, it’s an essential dose to take. For even though substance doesn’t sparkle like flash, it can make you to shine in the long run.

Think of substance as the process of unearthing a diamond. It demands introspection and perseverance, but can lead to a lasting gleam.

It means being true to ourselves and staying the course. Doubling down on what’s essential and cutting out the distractions.

It ensures our messages are filled solely with meaning, and not overloaded with metaphors. (Sorry y’all. Still behind on practicing what I preach.)

This is what we should strive for. This is what we should be.

Substance over flash. It’s the only way.

Order Matters

We live in a turbulent era — a time where order has been challenged. And for good reason. Our most fundamental right — the one that allows us to live — has been challenged by some of those sworn to protect it. And all too often, skin color is at the center of these tragic incidents.

As this grave issue has gained notoriety, related ones have come to light as well. We’ve collectively shown outrage at the blatant inequalities of our justice system, reopened discussions as to how we actually view black and white, and mourned disturbing acts of retributive violence that have rocked our communities.

We’re certainly a polarized nation. If you don’t believe that, look at the varying responses to NFL player Colin Kaepernick’s decision not to stand for the national anthem — a protest coined to shed light on race relations. Most of the support for the move has come from the black community; the white community has been much less forgiving.

Situations like these show our nation’s current predicament. We must fix these societal problems — but we need to do this in a unified, orderly fashion. This is a difficult feat, since there’s a crisis in confidence with our system of order at the moment. But it’s something we must pull off— as a world without order is fraught with danger.

***

I understand this as much as anyone. A short time ago, I went to a college football game in Oklahoma with a friend. Our seats were right next to the Oklahoma student section, and we decided to move over five feet and watch the game with the student body. While I was at first apprehensive about standing on the narrow metal bleachers with the student — especially considering it had just rained — I soon found out I had other concerns to contend with.

Shortly after kickoff, I felt something pushing against my back. It turns out the drunk guy behind me had dropped the cap to his pint of Jack Daniels, and he had knocked into me as he clumsily tried to pick it up. Moderately amused, I turned my attention back to the game. But a few minutes later, I found myself in the line of fire again — as the same guy started jawing with someone a row in front of me. As the argument got more and more heated, my focus for the evening drastically changed. I was no longer worried about watching the football game. I was instead worried about leaving the stadium in one piece.

Unfortunately, my fears soon became reality — although not courtesy of Mr. Jack Daniels. A man two rows above me had been trying to start fights all night. Someone finally obliged, shoving him and sending him flying; the man knocked me down a row as he fell, leaving me with a twisted ankle. When I looked up, he was charging through the crowd throwing haymakers.

It was only at this point that police and security showed up. They ultimately decided not to throw anyone out, but most of the troublemakers left on their own accord, as the game had become a blowout.

***

This experience was eye opening for me. A trip to a football game had become Jungle Law, simply because there was no one around to restore order. The situation was incredibly dangerous — although my minor ankle injury appeared to be the extent of the damage.

Take this scenario outside the walls of a football stadium, and the consequences are even more dire. While I certainly believe that Black Lives Matter and absolute power can corrupt absolutely, it’s clear that a complete lack of order is just as lethal as a corrupted system of order — maybe more. For when ill-meaning characters are allowed to run amok, we are all in the crossfire.

So we must not shun order completely. Instead we must work together to improve our system for everyone. We must ensure not only that innocent people are not victimized, but also that actual troublemakers are held accountable.

Restoring our confidence in order is not a black issue, or a white issue. It’s a gray issue.

It’s a challenge that affects all of us, but it’s one we’re compelled to take on directly.

Let us begin.

An Exercise in Improvement

Exercise is one of the things I’m most passionate about.

I believe it’s important to devote oneself to it. That’s a key reason why I’ve worked out at least twice a week for the past three years.

Hitting the weight room. Working up a sweat on the treadmill. Walking for miles around the neighborhood on a sunny day — these are all irreplaceable components of my week, no matter if it’s January or July.

Vacations? Holidays? I’ll alter my workout schedule around them to make sure I stay in shape.

Exercise is that crucial to me. And I believe it should be to everyone.

Now, I’m aware of the that this statement might ruffle some feathers. Say the word “gym,” and images of testosterone-laden jocks come to mind. Or maybe the stigmas of appearance and body shaming that poison our society. These are not appealing mental images, and they shoo away people from a workout routine more effectively than garlic deters vampires.

But those are not the reasons why working out is a worthwhile endeavor. For the true benefits of exercise can be found on the inside.

There’s the physical side of things — getting your heart rate up, getting the blood flowing. I’m no doctor, but I know these processes can certainly be beneficial in the long run.

But just as important is the mental side of things. The commitment to a routine. The discipline and focus you must exhibit as a workout warrior. And the immense satisfaction upon completing what you set out to do.

Exercise provides a scenario where you’re in in control of your own improvement. But it provides so much more than that.

  • It provides an outlet. A productive opportunity to unload the mental pressures of stress, and to rectify the detrimental effects of sitting at a desk for hours on end.
  • It provides a rhythm. A pattern of coordinated motions that keeps your body and mind in sync.
  • It provides solace. An escape, a break — no matter what curveballs life throws your way, you can forget about it while working up a sweat.

These are benefits we need. Benefits we deserve.

I know this as well as anyone.

In the time since I started working out regularly, I’ve felt healthier than ever. But this feeling hasn’t come from how many miles I’ve run, or how much I’ve lifted. No, that rejuvenated feeling I carry with me has come from a renewed sense of balance. When times have been good, I have my workout to keep me grounded. When the road has been rough — such as the period after I was laid off of my previous job — exercise has served as a necessary distraction.

In fact, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that I wouldn’t be who I am today without exercise.

So ignore the old standby about exercise being for a six-pack, or to fit into a certain size of jeans. Working out should be about the attributes we strive for — discipline, commitment, perseverance — and less about superficial distractions.

So get out there and get active. Your mind, body and soul stand to benefit.

The Regulate Debate

Life doesn’t come with a map. But sometimes, there’s a guide.

Whether at the ballgame, the beach or the courtroom — chances are, you’ve come across someone assigned to regulate.

The name might change — umpire, referee, lifeguard, judge — but the motive remains the same. Namely, to view the event in an unbiased manner and ensure the rules are followed.

Step away from these venues, and the story changes drastically. Not only is formal regulation uncommon, it’s also deemed to be anything from a nuisance to a grave danger.

Indeed, throughout history, large-scale overregulation has led to everything from bureaucratic inefficiencies to the perils of authoritarianism. It’s a threat to our freedom, a death knell to individualism.

Quite simply, it’s something we want no part of — apart from a few finite situations. And it’s mostly accepted in those situations to keep things moving at an acceptable pace or to help us avoid deadly dangers.

The culture of self-regulation we’ve demanded is ripe with opportunities, yet fraught with challenges. Whether we’re on the golf course, in the board room or merging onto the highway, we must make the right calls to ensure everything progresses in an orderly fashion. We have the double responsibility of getting ahead while ensuring the playing field is not disturbed. One misstep, one blown call, and mayhem can ensue.

But therein lies the problem. Errors do happen. And it’s only natural that they do. After all, we are imperfect beings attempting the impossible. Although the rules of the road, baseball or a court of law were forged by other people, they were still intended to be followed to perfection — an expectation that belies our human condition.

Even computer regulation has proven to be less than flawless. For all the near-perfect capabilities of technology, there remains one fatal flaw — it was created by humans.

So given these constraints, these challenges — what should we do?

Well, we certainly shouldn’t throw in the towel.

It’s our responsibility — both collectively and individually — to make our system of self-regulation work. That means adhering to the rules to the best of our abilities, and — just as importantly — ensuring that we stay true to the spirit of those rules.

It’s all too easy to be immoral and selfish when given the keys to self-regulation, but all this behavior does is start a vicious downward cycle. And — as proven in our recent Recession — irresponsible regulatory behavior can make everyone suffer.

We must be better. We have the tools — a solid understanding of right and wrong, combined along with the power of influence. Now, it’s our obligation to use these abilities to keep everything moving forward.

This is the way to power and prosperity. This is the way to regulate.

Owning It

The thought of owning something doesn’t often cross our minds.

Sure, when we get the keys to a house or buy a new car, it’s at the forefront of our consciousness. But rarely anytime else.

Yet, ownership was front and center in my mind the other day, as I assessed my CD collection. Nearly two decades old, my pile of CDs has become completely obsolete, as all the music has been added to my laptop and backed up to my iPod, external hard drive and the cloud. My SUV has a CD port, but I’ve yet to use it — as I’ve been able to play music on the road through my smartphone, using voice commands.

Technology has made the process of playing music seamless; no more of those bulky music players at home, no more CDs roasting in holders on car visor flaps in the Texas heat. Yet, my collection remains intact.

It remains because I own it.

Yes, the only thing keeping those unsightly discs out of a dumpster is the fact that I paid for the right to own the music contained within them. (Although, in keeping with my new mantra of letting go, it might be worthwhile for me to get rid of those CDs after all.)

***

Ownership matters to me. Not because of the power it provides, but instead because of the sense of responsibility it instills in me. Maintaining something I’ve paid for requires an investment of consistency and care, an investment that builds character.

Sadly, it’s an investment fewer and fewer of my peers are willing to undertake.

Sharing is more in vogue than ever before. Ridesharing, streaming, leasing — these are staples of the Millennial generation. The movement towards a shared economy has been lauded with terms like efficiency and sustainability, but I think the revolt against ownership is actually a cop-out — a wide scale attempt to avoid the burdens of leadership.

You see, the more people leave their music to Spotify, their movies to Netflix, their transportation to Uber and their living arrangements to their landlord, the less the onus falls on them when things go wrong. There’s always someone else to blame if the server goes down or the AC goes out.

This new wave of pass-the-buck convenience is both lazy and counterproductive. And if it remains unchecked, our leadership void will continue to deepen.

***

If we’re to grow as adults, as community leaders, as spouses or as parents, we must be willing to take responsibility. We must be able to take initiative, to solve problems as they arise and to shoulder the blame when it’s warranted.

We must take ownership. And while the individual elements of the sharing economy are largely innocuous — heck, I lease an apartment and subscribe to Netflix — they shouldn’t be a replacement for our obligation to practice this skill.

Actually owning something is the best way to demonstrate responsibility and accountability. There is simply no substitute.

So buy that car, shop for that dream house, download that song or plant that garden. But no matter what you choose, make sure you’re owning it.