Category: Thoughts

The Confidence Conundrum

No chance.

How many times have you heard this retort, when you brought up something you thought would happen? And how many times have those doubts led you to question your own beliefs?

Probably more than once.

Skepticism has a powerful pull over us. It helps us stay in line with reality, and aligns our expectations with those of society.

As communal creatures, we are hard-wired to heed these warnings. They keep us from straying too far from the pack. They shield us from danger.

And yet, we lose quite a bit in this exchange. The principles of creativity, exploration and self-conviction all go by the wayside. Our toolkit for handling adversity is emaciated.

How do we take back our individualism without finding ourselves lost in the wilderness? And how can we summon the courage to explore new frontiers without paying a heavy price for doing so?

Such crossroads make up the Confidence Conundrum.

I am a man of faith.

Not in the way you might expect. I do believe in God, but you’re not likely to find me in a house of worship as the week winds down.

No, I am a man of great faith in myself. I believe that I will achieve and persevere.

Such self-belief has been critical throughout my life. It’s helped me navigate both adolescence and adulthood. And it’s helped me rebound from the setbacks I encountered along the way.

But such faith is not completely unbridled. There have been plenty of moments that have given me trepidation.

Some of these moments — such as the start of a new job — make many of us queasy. Others — such as moving to a new apartment or assembling furniture — are less prevalent concerns.

The situations that give me pause might seem disparate. Random even.

But they have one thing in common. They represent moments of rapid change.

I don’t do well with quick transitions. I rely heavily on precedent and routine to guide my actions. And when normalcy gets uprooted, it’s as if the rug was pulled out from under me.

So, I slow the pace when the winds of change hit. Instead of blasting blindly into the unknown, I let the dust settle before making my move.

It’s a pattern that’s worked well for me. But it’s not exactly a commonly espoused one.

There are a few places we know to expect the unexpected. Where the improbable becomes plausible.

This happens with Disney movies. It happens with the Texas weather. And it happens with the world of sports.

Sports encompasses a world of matchups. Of head to head competition. Of the victors and the vanquished.

The binary nature of sports can tempt us to handicap. To assess the match ahead of time and make our predictions.

Anyone who has donned fancy clothes to attend a horse race, tuned in to a two-hour football pregame show or placed a wager at a sportsbook knows how prevalent this practice is.

We prognosticate so that we can get a handle on what’s coming. We predict so that our emotions are primed for what we are to experience.

And we use a bevy of information for this process. Advanced statistics. Detailed strategic analyses. Even physical attributes, such as the size of the athletes.

The predictions we garner from all this information do come to pass — some of the time. But not always.

There are plenty of upset victories in sports. There are countless instances where the team or competitor deemed too small, too inexperienced or too talent-deficient comes out on top.

Why does this keep happening? How have we not learned from our errors by now?

The answer is intangible. It comes down to the one measure we can’t measure: Confidence.

Athletes believe in themselves. They draw on their experience and ability to give themselves a competitive edge. They’re not focused on the might of their opponents or anything else outside their own orbit. They’re honed in on what they can do when given an opportunity.

Sometimes that confidence can prove to be misguided. I once attended a high school football game in West Texas where the kids on the hometown team were half the size of their opponents. I could see that the home team believed in themselves despite the size disadvantage. And they did indeed hang tough for a bit. But the final score was still lopsided in favor of the other team.

Still, there are plenty of times when that confidence gives an athlete or team all the edge they need. When that self-belie  is the slingshot David needs to slay Goliath.

It’s what we love about sports. Unless, of course, our team is the one bested by the plucky upstart.

Talent only takes you so far. Belief is everything.

Simple choices.

As the world gets more nuanced, we seem to want these more than ever.

So, we delude ourselves. We look for examples of binary decisions and foist them upon our complex world.

Sports is Exhibit A of this.

Think about how many sports terms are now part of our everyday vernacular.

Swinging for the fences. Playing hardball. Three strikes and you’re out.

And that’s just baseball.

We love to use these terms. They’re catchy and they flow well.

But they really don’t work the same outside the lines.

This is particularly the case when it comes to confidence. It’s tempting to tell ourselves that if athletes can keep the faith in all circumstances, we can too.

But this is a critical error.

In sports, victory is all that’s on the line. Athletes are simply looking for the chance to be better than someone else at a particular feat.

In other words, the floor is high. Professional athletes will get paid, win or lose. The worst outcome they might face (outside of injury) is that their season will end before someone else can hoist a trophy.

Even amateur competitors likely won’t see the bottom drop out. Their worst outcome is the dashing of their professional athletic dreams. And even if that happens, they walk away with an advanced degree in leadership, teamwork and preparation.

So, there’s really no reason for athletes not to be confident. In the grand scheme of things, what’s on the line isn’t all that dire.

The same can’t be said for all of us in the world outside of sports. If we walk into a situation we’re ill-equipped to handle, armed only with a dose of self-belief, we risk it all. We could end up delegitimized, destitute and devoid of hope.

Then again, self-doubt is also insidious. If we don’t believe in ourselves at all, we punt on our potential and cede control of our destiny.

This is a puzzle of the highest order. A quandary we can’t afford to sidestep.

It’s imperative that we recognize this conundrum for what it is. And that we strategize accordingly.

That strategy can take many forms. Some may do as I do, and pick certain spots in which to be cautious. Others may keep their sense confidence close to the vest, believing in themselves without letting the world know it.

But regardless, we must identify The Confidence Conundrum. And we must come to terms with it.

The stakes are simply too high to do otherwise.

Holding On

The phone rang, and I reached for the bedside table to grab it.

It was 4 in the morning, and I was still half-asleep. But I recognized the phone number immediately. It was my work line.

Normally, such an occurrence would lead one to seek professional help. It would be unusual to field a call from work at such an early hour — let alone one from your own desk.

But I was working as a TV news producer in West Texas at the time, and the word normal didn’t really apply to anything. So, I picked up the phone.

On the other end of the line was the morning producer at my station. She cut straight to the chase.

So, there was a murder at your apartment complex. Can you scope out the scene and send us some photos to use on the air?

I felt a lump in my throat, and the hairs on my arms stood on edge. But I immediately agreed.

I put on some jeans, shoes and a jacket. And I headed outside.

It was a December night. The air was frigid, with temperatures hovering in the mid-20s. And all around me, it was quiet and still.

I had never covered a murder before. But I knew a what to look for.

I grew up not far from a rough neighborhood, and occasionally trouble would arrive at our street. I wouldn’t run and hide when this happened. Instead, I would watch intently, entranced by the flashing police lights.

So, as I made my way around my apartment complex, I looked for those flashing lights. Lights would lead to action, and action would allow me to take the pictures our morning producer needed.

And yet, I found no lights. No pools of blood. No silhouettes of police investigators.

Everything was deathly silent and still.

I was perplexed. Where did this crime happen? Did I miss something?

I was close to giving up when I heard a subdued hum cutting through the silence. Walking toward the sound, I found several squad cars and a forensics van, all with their lights off and their engines on.

Inside a nearby apartment was the crime scene — a mere 300 feet from where I had been sleeping moments earlier. I took pictures on my smartphone until my hands froze. Then, I headed back to the safety of my apartment.

 

There are few true essentials in life. But food, clothing and shelter certainly make the shortlist.

And when choosing a place for that shelter — a place to call home — there are certain criteria that must be met. Space, amenities and safety are chief among them.

I thought my apartment had met the requisite marks when I decided to sign my lease. But now, someone lay murdered a football field away from my bed, and I was questioning my choices.

Worse, I was worrying about what others would think. There were only 10 murders a year in town, and each would make the news. Now, my pictures of the police cars and forensic van would be airing on my station’s morning show, adding to that sad legacy.

Would people look at me differently, now that this had happened so close to my home? Was I safe? Would I need to get a gun?

I had no idea.

When I made it in to work that afternoon, my colleagues were talking about the murder.

Isn’t that where you live? they asked. I could only nod.

We ran the story on the news, using fresh video footage of the complex our cameraman had shot that afternoon. It was uncomfortable and strange.

Then, it was over.

In the days that followed, the news turned to other matters. A snowstorm was headed our way. Christmas was right around the corner. Both of those topics seemed more relevant than following the cold trail of an apartment murder.

And so, the news world moved on. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Those same questions were nagging at me. The answers were as elusive as ever.

And so, I took a stand.

Using my TV news skills, I tracked down the incident reports. To my surprise, those reports didn’t come from the police or the county sheriff’s office. They came from the United States Marshals.

It turns out that the murder was part of a botched drug robbery. A few young men had tried to take the stash of one of my neighbors. When the neighbor confronted them, the men shot him dead in his own doorway.

It was a terrible story, and one that unfolded as the victim’s children were sleeping in an adjoining bedroom. And the Marshals were only involved because the suspects had ties to drug rings in multiple states.

Nevertheless, I thought the information was compelling. So, I pitched it to the newsroom in our afternoon meeting.

My boss — the station’s news director — replied with a pointed question. Are you only pitching this update because the murder happened at your apartment complex?

I replied that I wasn’t, instead emphasizing the presence of the U.S. Marshals on the case. How often was it that the feds picked up a local apartment murder, I asked?

Well, alright, my boss replied. We can feature a short update. But let’s not forget about the other stories we’re covering today.

Our news operation was looking to move on once again.

Years have passed since all this happened. And with the benefit of hindsight, I understand my boss’ decision.

News moves a mile a minute. It’s the ultimate What have you done for me lately industry.

With so much action to chase, it made no sense to dwell on old stories. Unless, of course, there was a compelling case for doing so.

And yet, dwelling on the details is exactly what we need.

For the news we’re served is sensational. It alarms us and disturbs us.

Journalists hunt for these types of stories, time and time again. Despite our complaints about them, they’re all we respond to.

Many news operations have tried the good news only approach. It hasn’t worked. Sensationalism still rules the day in the end.

And yet, journalists fail to provide us any sort of closure for their sensationalist reports. They punt on providing any healing for the wounds they’ve opened.

Such closure would violate journalistic ethics. And there are too many other novel stories for journalists to chase down anyway.

And so, it’s up to us to connect the dots. To research what ultimately happened with each story, and what we can take from it.

Such a process might make little difference in certain cases — such as a drug robbery murder. But in others it can mean everything.

Few events in living memory have jolted the world like the recent pandemic.

As the virus spread across the globe, concerned citizens had little recourse. There was nowhere to hide from the virus’ advance, and no bona fide treatment for it once infected.

It was a perilous moment, but journalists rose to meet it.

For months, news organizations covered the pandemic from three angles — the situation on the ground in the healthcare realm, the effect on the economy, and tips for avoiding infection.

These angles provided a healthy balance. One that was sorely needed in a world filled with unknowns.

But soon, journalists moved on to other matters. The movement for social justice was sweeping across America. Wildfires and hurricanes were threatening the coasts. And a presidential election loomed.

Attention turned away from the pandemic, even as it remained a devastating event.

In the shadow of news coverage, many did the best they could to hold on to the story. They tracked caseload dashboards. They looked for statements from public health officials. And they tried to make day-to-day decisions based on all of this information.

But others demurred. To them, the lack of coverage seemed to indicate that the nightmare was over. They let their guard down, even as the pandemic continued to rage.

The peril only deepened.

I wonder if this all could have been avoided.

I wonder what would have happened if news organizations had stopped chasing shiny objects. I wonder what the future would look like if journalists had clung like zebra mussels to this story, and helped the world across the finish line.

We’ll never know, of course. But that doesn’t make the question an empty one.

For the information we’re exposed to can have devastating effects. Learning that our neighbor was murdered can make it harder for us to sleep at night. Seeing so many people felled by disease and recession can fill our days with angst and dread.

We should not have to navigate these choppy seas alone. We deserve assistance.

And so, it’s time for the information providers to change their tune.

It’s time to end the practice of hitting us with headlines. It’s time to dig deeper. It’s time to follow the stories worthy of our attention, all the way to the finish line.

Then, and only then, can we be whole. Then, and only then, can the news lead to positive change in our lives.

So, yes. Holding on is trying. But it’s a challenge worth accepting.

Object Permanence

I waded into the ocean, the saltwater reaching up to my waist.

Every half-minute or so, a wave would come hurtling my direction, threatening to douse me with chilly seawater. I didn’t like the feel of that. So I would jump as the wave approached.

Each leap kept my face from getting drenched by the surf. But it also gave me a moment to see what lay beyond it.

As I reached elevation, I could see the ocean rolling out majestically before me. The crests of waves extended for what seemed like miles. Somewhere off in the distance, a sailboat plodded across the water.

And beyond all this, there was a line. A line where the dark blue of the water and the light blue of the sky combined.

I was flummoxed by this mysterious line in the distance. So, I asked my father — who was wading in the water beside me — what it was.

That’s the horizon, he replied. It’s the furthest point we can see.

My father then explained to me that there’s plenty of life — and, in this case, ocean — beyond the horizon. But we would have to travel out there if we wanted to say what lay beyond. And if we did that, we’d see a new horizon. One located even further from the shoreline.

This was all a bit much for my 5-year-old mind to unpack. As far as I was concerned, what lay beyond that line was beyond comprehension.

If I couldn’t see it, it didn’t really exist.

 

There’s an old proverb you’ve probably heard of. It reads If a tree falls in the forest, did it really make a sound?

We nod intuitively at this phrase, as if it is common knowledge. And yet, many of us have not wandered through the forest at all. And even if we have, there’s a good chance we didn’t hear a tree falling.

We’ve had no connection to the scene that’s being set. And yet, when presented with the idea of its absence, we nod, smile and hope that no one will call our bluff.

Lately though, something has changed. That abstract concept has started to come into focus, in terrifying detail/

As I write these words, the world remains mired in a deadly pandemic. A virus continues to run rampant, causing suffering in hundreds of countries.

As the virus first made its way across the globe, the world largely shut down. With no known cure, a high level of contagion and overwhelming caseloads, many countries were in a tough spot. So, government leaders ordered local or national lockdowns to slow the spread of the disease.

This tactic had been used in previous pandemics. But there was a new wrinkle this time. For even as millions were confined to their homes, technology was there to help them stay connected.

Life under lockdown would still be unpleasant. But the experience would be far less isolating than it would have been in the past.

After all, it was still possible to connect with family and friends through a smartphone. And many workers bring their jobs into their homes, with nothing more than a home computer and an Internet connection.

Even after the lockdowns were lifted, the world continued to adapt. A new normal has taken hold — one where people connect in-person far less than they traditionally did.

We’ve largely been able to rise to this strange occasion. Yet, it still feels as if something substantial is being lost.

For there is only so much reality that we can virtualize. There is only so much that videoconferencing and email can cover.

When we look at our computer screens or smartphones, we get a window into the world that lies beyond our reach. But surrounding that window lies the sobering reality. Us, driven apart from each other and the traditions we are familiar with. Us, staring at the same familiar scenery day after day. Us, contending with the world getting smaller and smaller.

It’s hard to hide from these sobering facts. It’s hard to feel attached to the world around us. It’s hard to even remember that world still exists.

For once we hang up the phone or shut off the computer, it’s game over. We have no sense of what others outside our bubble might be thinking, feeling or doing. We have no channel to build ongoing trust or provide them reassurance. We have no inertia to keep the conversation going.

When that virtual portal closes, it does so with a resounding thud.

Sure, we can try and fill in the gaps. We can guess what’s going on beyond our walls. But the bounds our imagination is all we have.

Object permanence is winning the day.

Querite et invenitis.

For years, these three Latin words have followed my name on every personal email I’ve sent. They translate — roughly — to Seek and ye shall find.

This phrase has long served as a rallying cry for me. For only when I have made the effort to venture beyond that horizon have I yielded the rewards.

This principle has held true throughout my life. Going to a university nine states away from where I was raised helped me grow up — and fast. Studying abroad in South America took my Spanish comprehension to another level. Taking a job, sight unseen, on the dusty plains of West Texas taught me to make peace with the unexpected.

Travel isn’t about glamour for me. It’s not about taking iconic photos or sharing epic stories — even as those sometimes come with the experience.

No, it’s about the exploration. About learning more about the world, and my potential in it.

Of course, the pandemic has put that on hold. Mass movement has gone from an essential to a danger. And like many, I’ve mostly hunkered down in the same zip code for months.

Sure, I’ve gotten outside for some exercise, for work and to run some errands. But I haven’t roamed as freely as I used to.

I didn’t fully recognize the toll of all this at first. In those hectic initial weeks of this reality, my focus was on adjusting to meet the moment.

But now, all I notice is all that I’ve lost connection with. All I can remember is all I’ve forgotten.

Object permanence has set in. And I don’t like it one bit.

This too shall pass.

There will be a day when this strange era is behind us. When the trepidation and restrictions no longer dominate conversation. When conversation can happen in-person more regularly.

But just because it can doesn’t necessarily mean that it will.

For object permanence doesn’t just disappear. It’s a fog that doesn’t just lift under the heat of the midday sun.

All this time we’ve spent away from each other has come with a cost. We’ve said goodbye to spontaneous interaction. We’ve forgotten the art of the follow-up. We’ve lost track of the rules for nonverbal communication.

These are not just critical tools for connecting with our community. They’re also essential social skills.

And the longer they’re removed from our lives, the less likely they are to return.

It’s on us to keep this from happening. It’s on us to keep our gaze on the horizon. It’s on us to remember in a world that has us primed to forget.

It’s not an easy proposition. But it’s an essential one.

What we can’t see still does exist. It’s time for us to find it again.

Tip Of The Spear

I was ready for action.

I was in first grade, preparing for a soccer game in gym class.

One of our teachers — a man from Kenya — was serving as our coach. But there weren’t enough students to field full sides, so he and another teacher joined in the game.

I had never played soccer before, so I was slotted on defense. My job was to stay on one side of the goal — an open space marked by two construction cones — and get in the way of any attacks by the opposing players. There were no goalies, so the two defenders were the last line of protection.

As he gave me my assignment, the coach looked me directly in the eye.

One more thing, he said. Use only your feet. Do not use your hands.

I headed to my position, growing ever more nervous by the step. I wasn’t accustomed to doing everything with my feet. What if instinct set in, and I used my hands? What kind of trouble would I be in then?

Those fears quickly subsided as the game got underway. Ahead of me, the midfielders and forwards abandoned their positions, converging in a pack around the ball. The coach and the other teacher were in the fray too, with eager 7-year-olds flanking them on all sides in the midfield.

Back by the orange construction cones, I stood at my position, bored to tears. Instead of playing soccer, I seemed to be watching it.

That scrum of activity 20 feet ahead of me seemed to be where the action was. I wanted to be a part of it.

So I ran forward, intent on getting to the ball. But just as I got there, someone on the other team found a lane toward our goal.

I ran back toward my position, but I was a good five steps behind this player. Unimpeded, they took their shot — only to be foiled by the other defender, who was still in position.

Hey, the defender told me. Stay here! This is why we’re supposed to stay back here.

I nodded sheepishly and stayed in my position for the rest of the game.

 

There is a phrase in the military called Tip of the Spear.

It refers to the first units to enter a war zone. To the professionals who are closest to the action.

There is a certain aura around this term.

The tip of the spear is the strongest and sharpest part of the weapon. It’s indispensable.

Much like the actual weapon edge, the soldiers, sailors and pilots worthy of this description are battle-tested. They have a perspective that is as unique as it is invaluable.

The term is so poignant that it’s made its way into the civilian world in which I operate.

Even beyond the military, those at the tip of the spear are lionized as innovators and world-changers. They’re action-oriented and decisive. They represent the objective we should aspire toward.

These trailblazers have influenced many of us over the years. Myself included.

As a child, I often heard the question What do you want to be when you grow up? Like many kids, I had no idea. So I would vary my answers.

A firefighter. An astronaut. A truck driver. A baseball player. A movie director.

Looking back, these answers look as disparate as they were desperate. Some of these careers would be hard to break into. Others wouldn’t pay all that well, or would include a demanding schedule.

But these varying career aspirations had one thing in common. They would all allow me to be at the tip of the spear. To be in the middle of the action.

By the time I was in college, I had set my sights on the broadcast television industry. I graduated with a degree in communications, and set off into my new career as a TV news producer.

Here was my chance to be in the middle of it all. To provide people the information they needed to navigate their community. To be at the tip of the spear, at long last.

It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

I quickly discovered that I was producing the least-viewed newscast in the region, in a town full of roughnecks and ranch hands. I got more calls about the wrong episode of Jeopardy airing on our channel than I got news tips.

The hours were rough and I worked most holidays. And on many days, the news was light or inconsequential.

When there was action to cover, it was often sobering. Wildfires burning thousands of acres of prairie. Shootings. Robberies. And a collision between a train and a parade float that left four Purple Heart recipients dead.

It was that last incident that really got to me. I broke that story on the local news, and soon national news correspondents were covering it. I had reached peak tip of the spear status. And yet, I felt broken.

That night, I cried myself to sleep. And in the days and weeks afterward, I questioned everything. My contract was expiring, and I needed to reevaluate not only my career choice, but also the rationale behind it.

The results were drastic. I rebooted both my career and the sense of purpose underlying it. No longer would I be demand to be where the action was. Fading into the background would be just fine by me.

My decision to switch careers was the right one. But that didn’t make it any easier.

For one thing, I was abandoning the field that I’d gotten my education in. The role I’d trained for and toiled at for years was now fading into my rearview mirror.

It was a heck of a sunk cost to cast off.

But beyond that sobering truth lay another. I was turning my back on what society expected of me.

All those years pursuing the tip of the spear had not gotten me the satisfaction I was hoping for. And yet, going another direction made me feel like a pariah.

I’m not alone in this dilemma. Many of us are torn between what’s expected of us and what best suits us. Especially when the choice is between the glory of the action and the obscurity of the shadows.

But we should not let the trappings of tradition blind us to the truth. The tip of the spear is not for everyone. And there is no shame in taking a supporting role.

After all, the supporting shaft of the spear is what makes the weapon so lethal. It provides the inertia to send the spear hurtling toward the target.

So, no. Taking a step back from the fray isn’t cowardly. It’s anything but.

It’s time that we recognize that fact.

The Punishment Paradox

I’d finally had enough.

I was being tormented by an elementary school classmate. Like a mosquito, this classmate persistently annoyed me.

For months, I had wanted to be left alone. And for months, he had refused to relent.

In hindsight, this scenario was likely low-level bullying. But in those days, bullying wasn’t exactly the Code Red topic it is now.

Back then, the tormented had two choices — stand up to their tormentor or grow a thick skin.

I was skittish and socially awkward, so I took the second approach. But it didn’t alleviate the situation. If anything, it only made things worse.

Anger and frustration simmered throughout me. It was a matter of time before it would all boil over.

And on this day, at recess, it finally did.

I can’t remember what was said that set me off. But what I do remember is that everything around me — the trees, the grass the people — changed color. For the first time in my life, I was truly seeing red.

Rage kicked in. I charged at my classmate and tackled him to the ground.

My other classmates grew silent, stunned by what they had just seen. Had one of the skinniest kids in the class taken down a much stronger classmate?

Yes. Yes, I had.

I don’t recall much of what happened after that. I’m sure that some teachers or administrators spoke with me about what I had done. But I don’t have any memory of a suspension or other punishment.

Eventually, I ended up going elsewhere for middle school. When I reconnected with my elementary school classmates years later, I showed no ill will to my erstwhile tormentor, and he showed no ill will toward me. We had both moved on, and that was that.

Still, decades later, I think about that day at recess. And I consider the larger message it sends.

Humans have many redeeming qualities. But some parts of our nature are less than pleasant.

One of these is our obsession with punishment.

We are emotional beings. But we’re not well equipped to handle the less savory emotions — such as frustration or anger — all that well. We become unhinged when bearing the brunt of these feelings, and we focus on unloading all that pain elsewhere.

Punishment provides a convenient outlet for us in these moments. We can isolate the source of our misery, and then make that source feel that same burn we do. We can make them pay for their transgressions.

The desire to inflict punishment is our emotional nature at work. But that energy, that zeal — it’s all misguided.

For while accountability is essential in society, we often push punishment too far. And once we cross that line, the blowback can be devastating.

I know this all too well.

The classmate who tormented me for months, he was punishing me for being a pushover. But those efforts ultimately backfired on the day I pushed him over.

If schoolyard encounters were the extent of this pattern, it would only be a minor issue. But the consequences can be far worse.

One of the enduring legacies of America is the conflict between the south and the north.

The divide dates back to colonial times, when it reflected differing economies and demographics. The southern colonies — Virginia, the Carolinas and Georgia — were mostly rural and dotted with plantations. The northern colonies — such as Massachusetts and New York — were more urban, filled with textile mills and manufacturers. And the two areas did not see eye to eye.

The earliest days of the United States were filled with compromises between the north and south — including where to build a capital city and how to manage the new nation’s currency.

As the nation expanded westward, the compromises quickly turned to another matter. Which new states and territories would allow slave labor, and which would ban the practice?

It seemed inevitable that these uneasy alliances between the north and south would ignite. And they ultimately did when southern states seceded, spurring the American Civil War.

The north won that war, at great cost. And that victory formally ended the abhorrent practice of slavery across America.

Efforts then turned to rebuilding the nation — a period known as Reconstruction. Yet, many northerners in government saw this as an opportunity to further punish the South for costing them four years of bloodshed and military expenses.

This pile-on punishment left the south destitute and hopeless. And the blowback has lasted ever since.

There remains a chasm between the north and south — one that I’ve experienced from both sides. Many southerners think Yankees are elitist and rude. Many northerners think southerners are stupid and shortsighted.

Neither opinion is accurate, of course. There are many humble and polite northeners, and many brilliant southerners. But these caricatures have persisted nonetheless.

Then there are all the atrocities the south has heaped on Black people since Reconstruction. Segregation, sharecropping, criminalization and extrajudicial killings have marred the region over the years.

Yes, racism is responsible for this. But racism is a learned trait. And I believe that trait has festered in the south in defiance of the heavy-handed punishments of Reconstruction.

In their quest to get a pound of flesh, lawmakers the Reconstruction era have left a long shadow. Their actions ultimately planted the seeds for so much of the strife that exists in our nation today.

About 40 years after Reconstruction wound down, America found itself in another conflict.

Simmering tensions in Europe erupted, sparking the first World War. While the United States didn’t join the fight until its final year, it ultimately sent about 2 million troops to assist the Allied Powers in Europe.

The Allies emerged victorious. But the allies then clamped down on the vanquished Central Powers, dividing their territories and leaving them in financial ruin. One of these nations — Germany — found its currency worthless within years of the conflict. And even after it emerged from its hyperinflation crisis, the nation was beaten down and without much hope for the future.

Into this void stepped a boisterous figure, preaching of a grand nationalist vision for Germany. The German populace threw its support behind this figure, whose name was Adolf Hitler. And the rest, devastatingly, was history.

Less than 30 years after World War I ended, Germany was in ruins again. It had helped spark a second World War — a war it again had lost. And it had committed genocide, sending more than 6 million people to their deaths in concentration camps.

The Holocaust will forever be known as one of the worst atrocities in human history. Germany will forever bear the brunt of responsibility for the attempted extermination of Jewish people across Europe.

Yet, the punishment the Allied Powers heaped on Germany in the aftermath of World War I likely played a role as well. By kicking the nation when it was already down, the allies created the environment for a devastating blowback.

Fortunately, the Allies didn’t make the same mistake after World War II. The nation was still bisected, thanks to the Soviets. But western powers put resources into rebuilding West Germany — with the most notable efforts coming from the United States under the Marshall Plan.

In the aftermath of World War II, high ranking Nazis were hunted down, tried for war crimes and executed. (Some infamously claimed at trial that they were “Just following orders.”)

But the rest of the German people didn’t face death sentences for their tacit support of the Holocaust. Their cities had been firebombed. Their government had collapsed. And their nation’s atrocities were condemned by the world. That was punishment enough.

As a result, Germany is a much more progressive place these days. It is candid about its past atrocities and committed to preventing future ones.

It’s a case study we can all learn from.

As I am writing this, America is once again facing an inflection point.

National elections are always fraught. But this time, the angst seems particularly palpable.

Our nation seems as polarized as it ever has been. And there is a looming referendum on that polarization.

But it’s not the election event I’m most worried about. It’s the aftermath.

For regardless who comes out on top, there will surely be an urge to punish the other side. To kick the vanquished when they’re already down.

These days, such an urge extends past the political figures themselves. It stretches to their supporters. People on each side of the political divide have already committed murders in recent weeks. A sustained vengeance campaign might accelerate the violence — which is not an acceptable outcome.

We must learn the lessons of Reconstruction and of post-World War I Germany. Tightening the screws on vanquished opponents only sets the stage for further horrors. For once they reach their breaking point, they will rise up and take us down — much in the way I took down my classmate at recess all those years ago.

It’s up to us to ensure this doesn’t happen. It’s up to us to ensure the Goldilocks principle applies to punishment — not too much, not too little. This requires us to get off our high horse, to assess the situation and to make the right decision.

This is a lot to ask of us in the heat of the moment, as emotions are running high and vengeance is top of mind. That’s why I call the path forward The Punishment Paradox.

But we must adhere to this plan. It’s essential that we get this right. Our future depends on it.

So, let’s do what it takes to conquer the Punishment Paradox. There is simply no other option.

Our Toughest Critic

Are you a hammer or a nail?

It’s a cliched question, to be sure. But it still gets asked, time and again.

The implication is relatively straightforward. Are you someone who initiates change? Or are you someone who effects it?

If you’re initiating change, you’re likely the hammer. You’re flying through the air in rhythmic motion, driving a nail toward a specified destination.

If you effect change, you’re the nail. You’re a piece of metal with a sharp edge, ready to pierce the wall.

The inherent premise of this question, of course, is that you must choose one option over the other.

You’re either the coach or the player. The firebrand or the workhorse. The hammer or the nail.

And yet, I find that I can’t choose just one option. Both choices apply.

I am a morning person.

On both weekdays and weekends, there’s a good chance my eyes are open before dawn’s first light peeks through the blinds. Heck, I might have even finished a workout by then.

While starting early has become commonplace for me, this routine doesn’t come naturally. Even after years of this pattern, I don’t find myself automatically springing out of bed at 4 AM.

Instead, I rely on my alarm clock to jolt me from my slumber, and coffee to keep me from returning to it. I also try and go to bed at an early hour, so that I facilitate an earlier wake up.

Doing all this, day in and day out, takes mental fortitude. And yet, I keep going.

For I am driven. I am determined to get the most out of every day. And committing to timely start is essential to achieving that goal.

Now, I recognize word driven is overused. Most of us describe ourselves that way, since that’s a trait that society expects of us.

And with that in mind, it’s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. It’s hard to know who is just chirping about their motivation and who’s leaning in to it.

Yet, I truly feel my drive for success is a differentiator. And I put actions behind that belief, both by getting up early and by subjecting myself to intense self-critique.

This second trait is not for the faint of heart. Each day, I reflect upon all that I’ve done. But instead of patting myself on the back, I consider how I could have done everything better.

I am ruthless and exacting in my criticism during this process. That way I can properly course correct in the days ahead. Which then means those around me can see the benefits.

My daily self-critique might not be a pleasant experience. But provides the guidance to both initiate and effect the change I seek in myself.

And because of it, I can say I am both hammer and nail.

Withering self-criticism is not without danger. For we are not built to withstand such conflagrations.

If we serve as both hammer and nail, we risk driving ourselves into the ground. And our intentions become muddied.

For there is a fine line between masochism and self-pity. Both are considered gauche, but the second is far pithier than the first.

It is more acceptable to break ourselves down in order to build ourselves back up. Much like a home renovation project, the destruction is tolerated if it’s insulated from the wider environment and directed toward an improved end result.

Breaking oneself down in the hopes that others will feel sorry for us, by contrast, is largely unacceptable. It’s counterproductive, akin to smashing bottles in the grocery store aisle and waiting for someone to come clean up the mess.

I am conscious of all this, even as I continue my self-improvement crusade. I don’t want to push myself past the breaking point. And I don’t want my tactics to become someone else’s problem.

So, I toe that line between self-flagellation and self-pity, taking care to stay on the right side of it.

Or, at least I think I do.

There is an old tale of an emperor who walked the streets of his city, wearing nothing at all. Filled with self-righteousness, the emperor convinced himself that he was sporting a fancy garment. Yet, his subjects saw something far different — a naked man walking the streets.

This story is titled The Emperor’s New Clothes — one of many enduring masterpieces from Danish writer Hans Christian Andersen. And it remains a powerful parable about our dual reality.

For our lives are dominated by two perspectives — the way we see ourselves and the way others see us. And these two vantage points often contradict each other, sometimes drastically so.

The defining challenge of our existence is how to navigate this conflict.

We can try to get the best of both worlds — to live in a way that we approve of and others around us appreciate. Or, we can refuse to compromise, and choose one perspective over the other.

The emperor chose the latter route when he strolled out into the sunlight naked. Divas who rely on opinions of others for self-validation also follow this path — although they veer to the other extreme of it.

In a broad sense, these fringe cases sound ridiculous. Most of us are not this tone-deaf.

But when it comes to self-improvement, we might as well be.

For the process of changing our ways is sure to look different to us than it will to others. And even as we hone in on our own perspective, on fixing ourselves, the vantage point of others matters.

If we act as our toughest critic, we might consider the experience nothing more than a baptism by fire. But others? They might view this behavior as a cry for help, and act accordingly.

I don’t believe this to have been the case with my own crusade. It’s led to some raised eyebrows over the years, but nothing further than that.

But I can’t entirely be sure exactly how others view my actions. There is a diaspora of people who care about me, and I’m never quite sure how these habits affect them.

This weighs on me, particularly in a moment when isolation and vulnerability are so profound. I feel responsible to everyone invested in me. I don’t want to let them down — intentionally or not.

And yet, I have a responsibility to myself as well. To continually get the best out of myself, and to use the tactics that will further that aim.

When choosing between these responsibilities, I’ve generally sided with self-accountability. And so, I’ve continued to play that dual role of hammer and nail.

But lately, I’ve done so without blinders on. I’ve remained vigilant to how my efforts are received more broadly, and I’ve made the effort to explain myself when needed.

It’s only one step. But one step in the right direction nonetheless.

Is my experience universal? Of course not.

We each have our own priorities, tendencies and neuroses. And we each have our own circle of influence, who might react to our behavior in all kinds of unique ways.

Yet through all the endless permutations, one thing is clear: We are not in this alone.

It’s alright to be our toughest critic. Just as it’s perfectly acceptable to rely on our network of support.

But the other end of the equation still matters. Ignore it at your peril.

Things We’ve Lost

I got the call early in the morning some years ago.

It was a beautiful February day in Dallas, and I was at work. I stepped outside in the cool, crisp air to answer the phone, watching the sunlight illuminate the trees across the parking lot.

But the call did not match the resplendent mood of the morning. For my grandfather had passed away.

Now, this news was not exactly a surprise. My grandfather had just turned 89 years old, and his health had been deteriorating for weeks. He had also suffered a stroke several years prior — a stroke that took away his wit, his intellect and much of his personality.

With all this in mind, word of my grandfather’s passing seemed to more the tail-end of an epilogue than a stunning break with normalcy.

And so, I acted accordingly. I went back into the office, and walked over to the Human Resource manager’s office. I calmly explained what had happened. Then, I requested bereavement leave, asking to keep the reason for my impending absence secret from the rest of the company.

That bit of bureaucracy handled, I returned to my desk and got back to work.

Several days later, I sat at a gate at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport, waiting to board a flight headed halfway across the country.

All around me, there were business professionals returning home from on-site meetings and conferences. This was nothing out of the ordinary for a midweek flight — those generally tend to be business-heavy, and Dallas is a corporate hub. Yet, I felt strangely out of place among these professionals, knowing that I’d abandoned my job responsibilities for the rest of the week.

As I boarded the flight, I reminded myself that I was also on a business trip. Only the business I had to attend to was the matter of saying goodbye.

The next morning, I stood at a hilly gravesite about 90 minutes north of New York City. Dressed in a suit and an overcoat, I delivered my grandfather’s eulogy. Three carefully crafted pages meant to reflect the life of someone who meant so much to me.

After I’d finished, the rest of my family shared assorted tidbits about my grandfather — stories he’d told, and stories he’d lived. After we’d finished, we lowered the urn holding his ashes into the ground and watched as the cemetery workers covered it with dirt.

By then, we could no longer tolerate the 25 degree conditions. We retreated to the car, and headed to a nearby town to eat lunch.

And with the car in motion, I put the process of saying goodbye behind me.

My handling of my grandfather’s passing flew in the face of convention. In a time of grief and mourning, I was calculated and reserved.

There was no need for me to make a big deal out of this event, I thought. Death comes to all of us eventually, and my grandfather had been blessed with a long and fulfilling life. I had no reason to feel sorry for myself, or for others to feel sorry for me. Better to focus on the positives, and then to move on.

This approach led to some uncomfortable moments. My family seemed irked that I was so emotionally detached from the moment at hand. And when my co-workers eventually learned why I’d disappeared for close to a week, they felt awkward addressing it.

Even some friends of mine — friends who had met my grandfather and were fond of him — didn’t learn of his passing for months. And when they did, it was only because they happened to ask. I would never have brought it up on my own.

Looking back, I’m not proud of any of this. It’s clear I didn’t handle my grandfather’s passing all that well.

But I’m not too hard on myself about it. For my blunders are practically par for the course.

Many of us struggle to deal with loss.

Whenever we encounter the end of a life, a relationship or a job, we try not to talk about it. We swallow our emotions and move on.

It’s unclear where this tradition of silence came from. Perhaps our nation’s rugged frontier roots spawned it. Or our omnipresent machismo.

Regardless, we handle loss like a hot potato. It’s the object we try not to touch. It’s the elephant in the room that is never addressed.

And now, in the wake of a pandemic that’s upended everything, we’re returning to these well-worn paths of avoidance.

Life looks markedly different than it did mere months ago. That much should be clear. The threat of a lethal virus has forced us to change the way we work, socialize and care for ourselves. Many traditions we’ve long taken for granted have gone on hiatus.

Yet, we’ve done our best not to dwell on any of this. After all, we’re still in survival mode. Best to put our blinders on and consider what lies ahead. At least that’s how the prevailing thinking goes.

In a vacuum, this strategy seems rational. But I’m not sure it’s the right approach for this moment.

No matter how loathe we are to admit it, we have all lost something recently.

Yes, some of us have sustained more significant losses than others. A loved one, maybe. Or a job. But no one has been untouched by the ongoing pandemic — or the ensuing recession.

We’ve all lost something — even if that something was as simple as the ability to go out on the town.

Some of what we’ve lost will return someday. The more trivial things, mostly. But even when they come back, our cavalier attitude won’t accompany them. Once burned, twice shy.

There is precedent here. It’s been decades since the 9/11 attacks, and yet entering an important building still gives us pause. We find the security protocols both reassuring and unnerving.

The events of that one fateful day have left an indelible mark on us. And this tragedy — which has lasted for months — will surely leave its scars as well.

But while old patterns are sure to repeat themselves, we’re far less likely to address them this time around.

For there are no images of burning buildings. No towers of rubble demanding our attention. The trauma is taking place out of sight — in homes, in hospital corridors and in our own minds.

It’s all too easy to do what we so often do when facing a loss. To do what I did after my grandfather passed.

To hide from it all. To stow our emotions away. To race to move on.

But let’s make this time different.

Instead of taking the easy road, let’s take the inconvenient path. The one that forces us to account for the shock we’ve endured. The one that embraces our own vulnerability.

This won’t be pretty, and it won’t be comfortable. But it will pay dividends down the line.

And in such volatile times, that’s a trade that we should readily make.

The things we’ve lost are significant. It’s time to stop hiding from that fact.

On Personal Liberty

It’s easy to speed on the streets of Midland.

The roads are wide and relatively free of traffic. The sky overhead is a cloudless blue that seems to stretch on forever. And the West Texas terrain is dry as a desert and flat as a tabletop.

In such a setting, the speed limit signs seem to be a suggestion. There’s no reason not to zip it across town.

And in my early days living there, that’s exactly what I did.

However, I soon discovered the cost of such expedience. All too often, a traffic light would turn to yellow as I was barreling toward an intersection. I would have to speed through the light before it turned red when this happened; I didn’t have enough space to slam on the brakes in time.

I generally made it through just fine. But one time, the light turned red just as I hit the intersection.

Now, I had learned years earlier that there is usually a buffer zone after a traffic light turns red. There are a few seconds built into the cycle in which the traffic lights in all directions are red. That way, any remaining vehicles can clear the intersection.

So, I wasn’t worried about getting broadsided or t-boned by another vehicle.

But what I was worried about was something I saw right above the light standard. That something was a traffic camera.

I knew that these cameras could single out offenders. They could identify vehicles that entered an intersection a second too late. And they could help the police send traffic tickets to those drivers — even if no officers were on the scene.

I had heard horror stories of this happening in other cities. So, I would always be cautious when I saw traffic cameras while driving in Miami, New York, Boston, Washington or a host of other cities.

Now, here on the plains of West Texas, my nemesis had returned.

Great, I thought. Just what I need.

Over the next few weeks, I patiently waited for my traffic ticket to come in the mail. And I kept a watchful eye out for more traffic cameras. Given my low salary, I couldn’t afford a second ticket.

But the first traffic ticket never came. For it turns out those cameras weren’t to nab red light runners. They were there as a public safety protocol.

Officers might pull the footage if there was a bad accident near the intersection, or if they were trying to locate a stolen car that might have passed through. But they weren’t using it for a traffic ticket scheme.

I should have expected this news. Texas has always been a haven for personal liberties. A place where homeowners are allowed to defend their properties with shotguns, and motorcyclists can ride without helmets.

Liberty lies with the individual. And so does much of the burden of responsibility.

While the rule of law exists in Texas, the extent of its reach is restricted. So, Big Brother would likely not be out to get me for hitting an intersection a hair too late.

I later found out — the hard way — that some cities did maintain red light cameras, when I got a ticket thanks to one in Fort Worth. But in recent years, the Texas Legislature has actually worked to dismantle such systems. That type of surveillance doesn’t jibe with the Texas ethos of personal liberties.

Personal liberties are not limited to Texas. Indeed, they’re a cornerstone of American society, and prevalent in the western European ethos as well.

As westerners, we are accustomed to a certain brand of freedom. To having room to roam, free of prejudice.

I, as much as anyone, know the benefit of personal liberty. It hasn’t just allowed me to skirt a traffic ticket or two. It also allowed me to move to Texas as a young adult so that I could chase my dreams.

If I had grown up in Asia, the Middle East or Africa, there would have been plenty of stigma behind such a move. There is a longstanding expectation of familial collectivism in those societies — an obligation to support one’s relatives over time and remain in close proximity to them. Relocating thousands of miles away to start anew would certainly raise eyebrows.

But not in America. In America, personal liberty reigns supreme. Or at least it did until recently.

The global pandemic has forced our society to retrench. To keep a lethal virus from spreading unchecked, we’ve had to put some short-term burdens in place. State and local governments have closed businesses, banned large gatherings and required people to wear protective masks — all, ostensibly, in the name of public health.

It hasn’t always gone smoothly. The mask issue, in particular, has become a flashpoint. Some have refused to comply with the order, citing personal liberties. Some business owners have done the same in the face of forced closures. And many people have thrown parties that willfully violated bans on large gatherings.

All of this has led to a new definition of personal liberty. In a pandemic era, the phrase refers to selfish petulance. To grown men and women throwing temper tantrums when they’re asked to sacrifice for the common good. To the worst in us, not the best in us.

To be sure, these recent actions show more of what’s wrong with America than what’s right with it. They’re not a good look.

But they represent a narrow view of personal liberty. And we need to see the entire picture.

 

Let’s go back to that moment when I was sure a traffic ticket was headed my way.

I took it a bit slower on the roads of Midland. And I would slam on my brakes every time I saw a yellow light ahead of me.

I was driving in fear. Out of a sense of financial survival, yes. But also out of skepticism toward Big Brother.

And yet, such changes didn’t make me a safer driver. My hard braking ahead of an intersection increased the chances I’d be rear-ended by another vehicle. And all that time I was taking it slow, I was preoccupied with the thought of another traffic camera somewhere, or a potential yellow light a half mile down the road.

Looking back, it’s a minor miracle that I didn’t get into a wreck during that time.

This incident underscores why personal liberty is so important to me. And to our society as a whole.

For without that benefit of the doubt, that implicit trust, problems are inevitable.

Sure, people are more compliant with the rules when there is constant oversight. But the sense of paranoia that accompanies it can prove to be a powerful distraction.

This distraction sets in like a fog. And so, people are less effective at the task at hand. They’re less creative, less adventurous and less capable of handling the myriad dangers of everyday life.

So no, Big Brother is not the solution. We need some semblance of personal liberty in our lives.

Now, such empowerment does come with responsibility. In times of crisis, we should be using our personal liberty for something more sensible making a scene in a grocery store. We should focus that energy on the common good instead.

Yet, even with that caveat, personal liberty is a crucial component of who we are. It doesn’t belong on the chopping block, even when the going gets tough.

So, let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater.

Our health and safety are paramount, both in the moment and for the long haul. But we don’t need to abandon the principle of personal liberty to protect them. We just need better judgment.

Let’s resolve to find it.

The Tao

What do Sun Tzu, Yogi Berra and Ray Dalio have in common?

Not much, it would seem. Each made their mark in a different field.

Sun Tzu was a legendary military general in ancient China. Yogi Berra was a Hall of Fame baseball player. And Ray Dalio is a billionaire hedge fund manager.

Yes, each of these figures achieve massive success and prominence. But so have thousands of others throughout the annals of history.

There is something else connecting these seemingly disparate figures. Namely, that they didn’t only achieve success. They also articulated it.

Sun Tzu’s modus operandi has evolved into The Art of War — a text used by business consultants and military generals alike in the modern day. Berra’s strangely phrased Yogi-isms — such as If you come to a fork in the road, take it — have also appeared in several works of literature. Dalio has outlined his structured approach to life in his bestselling book Principles.

All of these figures were prudent enough to share the guiding protocols behind their success — a system of brief sayings the Chinese have termed the Tao. They understood that if others could channel such wisdom, it would help make the world a better place.

So, they stripped down the barriers they’d formed around their life’s success. They drained the moat and put down the drawbridge.

They unveiled their Tao. And the world is better for it.

 

Don’t give away the farm.

This adage is common knowledge by now.

The rationale for this saying is straightforward. It is easier to copy others than to create our own success from scratch. So, if we’re going to offer others our playbook, we might as well get compensated for our efforts. After all, we’re effectively giving them a shortcut.

There is certainly some precedent for this philosophy with Sun Tzu, Yogi Berra and Ray Dalio. The literature each authored lies behind a financial barrier — namely, the price for a copy of their book.

Now, to be clear, none of them really demand this fee. Sun Tzu and Berra are no longer among the living. And Dalio has already made his life’s fortune in the financial markets. The prices charged to access their texts are mostly in place to cover the costs of their publishers.

Even so, their efforts to provide their Tao have become transactional. The entire process screams of Give us money, and we’ll give you advice.

This is a familiar arrangement for sharing. But it doesn’t have to be.

I am not famous.

I haven’t led an army into battle, led the New York Yankees to a world title, or led an investment fund through a financial recession.

But I have attained success in my life. And much like Sun Tzu, Yogi Berra and Ray Dalio, I see no value in keeping the Tao behind my success to myself.

So, I am sharing the guiding force behind my success here.

These words of wisdom are for you, my dear readers. I neither ask for nor desire anything in return. I only hope it can help you in some small way.

Without further ado, here is my Tao.

  1. Be present. Success starts with showing up every day, in mind, body and spirit. Do whatever you can to stay connected and engaged.
  2. Be informed. Take the time to prepare, to gather relevant information and to understand the nuance of context. It will all pay dividends later.
  3. Be better. Don’t bask in the glory of today’s achievements. Strive for continual improvement.
  4. Embrace sweat. Don’t let anyone outwork you. There is always another level you can take your productivity to.
  5. Earn everything. We are owed few things in life. Resolve to prove your worth, day in and day out.
  6. Remain deliberate. The world moves fast, and emotions can speed up the clock when it comes to critical decisions. Take the time to fully consider the options and implications before making your choice.
  7. Act decisively. Don’t mistake deliberation for inaction. When making your choice, commit fully to it.
  8. Deflect credit. We didn’t attain our successes alone, and tooting our own horn does no one any good. Pay homage to those who got you there.
  9. Accept responsibility. If things don’t go well, accept the blame. While others might have been complicit in the outcome, there was still something you have done better.
  10. Embrace imperfection. Mistakes are what make us human. Treat them as learning opportunities and iterate accordingly.
  11. Listen first. There will always be more wisdom in the collective than in our own mind. Pay attention to what others have to say before sharing your piece.
  12. Espouse empathy. Everyone has angles they’re playing in life. Still, consider the humanity behind those angles before casting judgment.
  13. Welcome vulnerability. Displaying unabashed confidence can be reckless. Embrace our flaws to find your true strength.
  14. Forget popularity. Likeability is fleeting, and beyond your control. Don’t expect everyone to like you, or stress when some refuse to.
  15. Demand respect. A basic modicum of respect should be a given, unless someone has done something egregious enough to void that right. Don’t let others walk all over you.
  16. Stay active. Little good comes from lethargy. Stay in motion to keep the blood flowing.
  17. Seek balance. Spend some time winding up, and some more time winding down. Counteract noise with silence.
  18. Encounter emotion. Our feelings bring us to life. Do what you can to remain connected with them.
  19. Maintain discipline. Good habits can be challenging to hold on to over time. Muster the mental fortitude to stick with them.
  20. Help others. In the long-run, what we accrue means little. But what we share with others can mean everything.

It is my hope that these guiding principles help you in life, regardless of the context you apply them to. And that as you see success — however you come about it — you share your Tao with others as well.

Here’s to finding your best.

The Magic Eraser

If I could turn back time.

These are not just the lyrics from a Cher song. They’re a common lament.

We all have things we wish we’d done different. Or things that we wish would have gone differently.

And while it’s too late for a re-do, it’s never too late for us to fantasize about what could have been. To envision wiping out what occurred and writing a new script.

We’ve done this for centuries, with a catch. All those machinations, tweaks, changes — they were confined to the bounds of our imaginations. For there was no Magic Eraser we could turn to in real life.

But now, things are changing.

A movement has been growing in recent years.

Like a wave, it started out innocuously, shielded by the vastness of the water around it. But it relentlessly rose from its surroundings, to the point where it couldn’t be ignored any longer. And then it crashed over us with a vicious fury.

This wave is called Cancel Culture. And it first crested during the Me Too movement, when women took a stand against acts of sexual misconduct by powerful men.

Many of the perpetrators were prominent figures — entertainers, producers and business moguls. The public knew their names, but not their alleged actions. Those atrocities were shrouded behind a wall of silence.

When the dam broke, and all those secrets saw the light of day, people were outraged. While some of these men ended up facing charges in court, all of them faced harsh judgment in the court of public opinion.

Casting out these men from their jobs seemed too limiting. The public sought to expel them from good graces of culture as well.

And so, everything these fallen figures had ever touched turned to ash. Many stopped citing or sharing their work. Instead of treating these men like cornerstones of modern history, people canceled them from the text entirely.

It was a drastic move, to be sure. But for many, it was a cathartic one as well.

The rush of water had crested and crashed, washing clean the sins of recent history.

And yet, this was no rogue wave. It was the start of a tidal surge.

Indeed, Cancel Culture has continued to thrive in the wake of the Me Too movement. And in the process, it’s consumed a far wider swath of transgressions.

But now, it might be at the point of no return.

The moment we’re facing is dire.

A global pandemic has raged for months, and it shows few signs of abating. Around the world, millions have been infected and hundreds of thousands of people have died. People have been asked to avoid each other in the name of public health. And all of this has led to an economic recession and the upending of many societal traditions.

But in the midst of this crisis, another one has come to the forefront. A series of racially charged incidents in the United States have led to widespread outrage. Coast to coast, people have left their isolation bubbles to protest this injustice. And difficult discussions regarding race relations have come to the fore.

It is within this perfect storm — this mix of helplessness and rage — that Cancel Culture has surged. With so little recourse to fix the present crisis, we’ve focused our attention on the past. On just how much of it we can omit.

Now, the waves of change aren’t mere whitecaps. They’re a tsunami.

This tsunami has led to some overdue changes. Statues of confederate leaders have been removed. The offensive name of Washington’s National Football League team has been changed. And mentions of one racist United States President from a century ago have been scrubbed from Princeton University.

These changes had been debated for years, so they were a long time coming. If we want to live in a world of equality and racial justice, we should not immortalize those who led armies against such concepts. We should not promote those who spoke forcefully against it. And we should not allow anyone to profit off of it by selling team t-shirts featuring racial slurs.

Perhaps, if the changes had ended here, we’d be alright.

But a tsunami does not attack with precision. It obliterates everything in sight.

And so, we now see some people demanding that more of American history be scrubbed. That everything from the era of inequities be stricken from the record.

Those fighting for this cause might mention that George Washington owned slaves. They might exclaim that American Indians never called themselves that name. Or point out that the original Texas Rangers weren’t exactly kind to Mexicans or Blacks.

They might claim that the song Dixie was once used in minstrel shows — even though the term itself was the French translation for a 10-dollar note. They might mention that Sam Houston lived in the Antebellum South — even though aimed to keep Texas out of the Confederacy.

Never mind the context behind any of these examples. The context does not matter. At least that’s what these reformers would have us believe.

After all, they would argue that well has been poisoned. That these people and entities were the beneficiaries of a broken system.

And now, in more enlightened times, our only recourse for reckoning with this system is take out the Magic Eraser and wipe it all away. The statues. The names. The mentions. All of it.

This might seem like a compelling case to make. But it’s a fatally flawed one.

Many years ago, I stood on a steep hillside in Germany.

It was a warm summer day, but I had chills up and down my spine.

For the hill I was standing on was within the gates of the Buchenwald Concentration Camp. Decades earlier, more than 50,000 people had lost their lives at the hands of the Nazis there.

The Holocaust happened well before my time, and well before the times of many others now walking this earth. And yet, it still resonates with us in the most horrifying of ways.

It does so not because of history textbooks, documentaries or movies. Those can always be canceled away from our collective consciousness.

No, the Holocaust resonates because of sites like Buchenwald. Sites of horror that have been preserved despite our overwhelming urge to bury them from memory.

The Germans stripped the names of the Nazis from symbols of their culture. You won’t find streets named after Gestapo officers or key figures in the Reichstag.

But the Germans took great care not to wipe their history books entirely.

Cities pay homage to Gutenburg, Goethe, Schiller and other key figures who predated the Nazis. And the concentration camps remain scarring reminders of the darkest era of European history. An era that we cannot afford to let happen again.

It is this point that Cancel Culture seems to miss.

If we go overboard with the Magic Eraser, we lose track of our mistakes. We set the stage for history to repeat itself in the most brutal of ways.

Let’s avoid this trap.

Let’s treat history with a scalpel, not a machete. Let’s proceed deliberately, not emotionally. And let’s heed the words of Hippocrates — the ones imploring us to do no harm.

This will allow us to learn from bygone eras without exalting them. And it will provide us a roadmap to building a better future.

So, let’s put the Magic Eraser away. In an age where we have all the tools, that’s not one we need.