What do you think of when you see the word intensity?
I think of aggression, stress and other unsavory traits.
I think of a crowd of commuters on a New York City subway platform. All in a hurry but with nowhere to go.
Yes, I’ve long seen intensity as a problem. A self-inflicted wound that damages our health and sabotages our relationships with others.
In my view, a laid-back attitude is ideal. It represents nature in balance.
There’s only one problem. I don’t practice what I preach.
It turns out that I am an incredibly intense person. My motor is always running at full speed.
My intensity is the fuel that drives many of my defining characteristics. It’s led me to be a control enthusiast and a chronic planner. It’s inspired me to stay active and engaged at all times. And it’s also made me incredibly self-critical.
These results are a mixed bag. Some have helped me do great things and connect with those around me. Others have been detrimental or offputting.
In the past, I’ve focused on the problems my intensity has caused. And I sought to remedy them with wholesale changes.
I tried to adapt a more laid-back lifestyle. I aspired to live more in the moment. And I devoted time to relaxing and leaving the worries of the real world behind — even if only for a little while.
It didn’t work.
It turns out I can’t change the way I’m wired. My intensity, much like my introversion, is encoded in my DNA.
I’ve had to learn to get comfortable with this fact. And to recognize that intensity doesn’t necessarily equate to pushiness or rudeness.
Yes, I’ve discovered that even the most intense people can still find a productive balance. It comes from channeling that intensity inward and exuding empathy outward.
I now strive to achieve that balance. And the results thus far have been transformative.
I push myself harder than ever. And I demand a level of perfection that I know I’ll never reach.
Yet at the same time, I aspire to treat others with care and kindness. To appreciate them for who they are, and how they are.
This might all seem a bit strange and disjointed. But I consider these opposing approaches to be connected.
The way I see it, my purpose is to make a positive difference in the lives of those around me. And by channeling my intensity inward — by demanding ever more of myself — I can live into that purpose.
It is this narrative that has provided me peace of mind, at long last, when reflecting my intensity. All while providing me something to strive for.
I believe this is a powerful lesson to carry forward. Because regardless of whether we love intensity or consider it abhorrent, we must recognize that context is everything.
We shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. There are plenty of applications of each trait we possess that are healthy and productive. And plenty of others that are dangerous or problematic.
The power is in our hands.
Our traits are our superpowers. Use them widely.