Month: July 2023

Act 2

The house lights went down, and the crowd got quiet.

Then, with a flourish of light and of a crescendo of sound, the stage came to life.

The hour that followed was filled with plot twists, musical interludes, and intrigue. Once it was over, the entire cast of actors lined up on the stage and took a bow.

I was too stunned to applaud.

I had just witnessed the second act of a Broadway musical. One that featured far more action than what had preceded intermission. And I had struggled mightily to keep up with it all.

On the way out of the theater, my sister asked me what I thought of the performance. She had been an assistant director on the production some months prior, and she’d accompanied me to the show on this night.

The second act seemed rushed, I coarsely replied.

Well, that’s Shakespeare, my sister responded.

I stood there, puzzled. Yes, this musical was an adaptation of William Shakespeare’s work. But his plays had five acts to disperse the action. Couldn’t these writers have spread things out more evenly?

I pondered this for a moment. Then we headed out into the night.

Act 2 is an important concept in our society.

It’s the portion of our journey that leads directly to the finish line. It’s where the spotlight is brightest, and where the rewards are most tangible.

We’re primed to give our best in the second act. And we’re conditioned to do the most.

The first act simply sets the table. It’s a construct to acclimate us for the sprint to the finish.

Sports teams don’t get accolades for a hot start if they tail off down the stretch. Neither do companies who frontload revenue growth. The stain of missed potential lingers in these situations, dulling the shine of those early milestones.

Yes, Act 2 is all that truly matters. And if we want to make the most of our opportunity, we better hit the stretch run with reckless abandon.

This is the current upon which entertainment travels. It’s the reason why that Broadway musical was so backloaded.

But does this standard represent reality?

I don’t believe so.

When I was four years old, my mother gave my father an ultimatum.

Change your life or change your wife.

At that point, my father had been an advertising account executive for the better part of a decade. His passion for the job had since faded, and the long hours weighed on him.

Yet, my father was fearful of exiting the industry. The pay was comfortable enough to support a young family. And career shifts were still largely taboo in those days.

So, my father went through his work weeks with a dour disposition. As each month passed, he became more and more of a ghost. That is, until my mother’s ultimatum snapped him back to life.

My father made the wise choice. He changed his life, leaving advertising behind and becoming a teacher.

His Act 2 has lasted for decades. My father has found far more success and fulfillment in his second career than he did in his first. And he’s blazed quite the path for me to follow.

You see, I too have found far more success, fulfillment, and longevity in Act 2 than I have in Act 1. This has proven true with my profession, my hobbies, and even my efforts to build a social circle.

At a high level, this is not all that different from the societal ideal. My first act still sets the table for my second act to feast upon.

But at ground level, the differences are stark. Act 1 is setting the scene for what I should avoid, while Act 2 is establishing the alternative to move toward. And that movement should, by nature, take far longer to play out than the bungled missteps that preceded it.

My career trajectory illustrates this perfectly.

I got my start in broadcast journalism, in the high-octane world of TV news media. I lasted about three years in that industry before making a change. But those three action-packed years still feel like six to me. The strain and stress carried that much weight.

As I write this, I’ve spent a decade in my second career as a marketer. My journey from wide-eyed newbie to seasoned professional in this field has been anything but swift. And yet, I am far from dissatisfied.

The long tail of my Act 2 represents the stability I’ve long craved. It’s provided me with the satisfaction I’ve long yearned for. And it’s offered me the opportunity to grow in my discipline at a sustainable pace.

Sure, it might seem boring to outside observers. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thin

I’m currently on the cusp of another Act 2. One that I find just as significant.

After years of achievement as a competitive distance runner, my body has broken down. The medals, personal record times, and pictures standing atop race podiums have faded into an array of doctor’s visits, protective braces, and canceled race entries.

I still love running, and I love competing. But my body has given me an ultimatum. I can only choose one.

I’ve chosen the former. I’d rather run for fun than compete in something I’m less passionate about. It’s a bittersweet choice, but one I’ve made without a hint of hesitation.

Still, this decision doesn’t have to be a tradeoff. Indeed, I consider it an opportunity. An opportunity to start the second act of my running life.

I’m not quite sure what I should expect.

I’m not sure if my body will accept a steady running mileage base better than it handled the peaks and valleys of training. I’m not if my mind will stay motivated without races dotting the calendar. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to attain the same level of fitness as I did before.

My hope is that all of this does come to pass. That I stay healthy, successful, and fulfilled for years to come — even without the measuring stick of racing.

But I know that this won’t happen overnight. I might be past intermission, but there are miles and miles to go on this stretch run.

Act 2 of my running career will be a protracted journey, hopefully with more ups than downs along the way.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Death of a Dream

This is not the way I envisioned my dream dying.

I thought this while staring up at blue skies and puffy clouds, the sounds of country music pulsating through my head.

Of course, not all was what it seemed. Those blue skies were an elaborate decoration covering the florescent light banks on the ceiling. The country music tunes were heading into my ears through headphones while the MRI machine took a reading of my left knee.

It all seemed so cheerful, so relaxing, so peaceful. All masking the solemn facts.

If this scan showed a stress fracture in my left knee, my competitive running career was over.

Within 25 minutes, the scan was done. This trip into the MRI tube was much shorter than I’d anticipated. But the expedience gave me no solace.

It still ached to take a step when it hadn’t two weeks before. I knew that I wasn’t alright. And I fully expected the radiologist’s report to confirm it.

All I could do now was wait.

The room was sterile and uninviting.

Fake wood tiles and three beige walls. The fourth was pea green with a beige stripe accent.

One wall was decorated with anatomies of the knee and lower leg. Another had an oil painting of a man swinging a golf club.

There wasn’t a window in sight, and little airflow to keep the room cool on a scorching summer morning.

I sat in a chair on one side of the room. My hands rested on my jeans while I stared at the patient table directly across the room.

It was quiet within these four walls. But I could hear the muffled conversations from adjacent rooms. Why don’t doctors’ offices invest in soundproofing, I wondered.

Within a few moments, I heard a slight knock on the door. Then it opened and the orthopedist walked in.

Good news, he said. Yes, it is a stress fracture, but you caught it early. So, the recovery time will be shorter. No running for 8 weeks. But then let’s get you back out there.

This update was mercifully short and to the point. But the doctor’s words manifested the death of a dream.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.

I’ve heard this adage many times before. And I’ve done my best to avoid succumbing to it.

But this quest has proved challenging, for a couple reasons.

For one thing, this gospel implores us to shake things up. To sacrifice the sacred cows that might be holding us back. As a change-averse person, I’ve found this difficult.

That’s a me problem.

But the other challenge impacts us all.

Maintaining fitness, you see, requires a great many things. But one of them is repetition.

If you want to get stronger, you might turn to a weightlifting routine. But it’s only by repeating that routine that you’ll eventually unlock new levels of strength.

The same goes with dietary choices and other habits. Following them once does us no favors. But doing them over and over can improve our outcomes.

Yes, fitness literally refutes the premise of insanity. It forces us to stand up to that pretentious adage. It’s a stake in the ground for the value of continuity.

Taking all this into account, it’s no wonder why I’ve been so infatuated with staying in shape over the years. It’s helped me get stronger, build resilience, and unlock new possibilities.

My fitness venture started on a dubious note. I showed promise as Cross Country runner during my high school days. But unlike that Corrs song, I didn’t yearn to be left breathless after every practice. So, I walked away from the team after my freshman year.

Soon, I stopped running entirely. And I said goodbye to the balanced diet the team coach had implored me to follow.

These were the dark days. That portion of adolescence and early adulthood where I thought my youth would wipe away my unhealthy behaviors.

But then, things began to shift.

I moved to a new city, embarked on a new career, and determined that staying in shape could no longer be an afterthought.

So, I started taking bi-weekly trips to the gym to lift and to run on the treadmill. I started eating better and stopped drinking soda. Eventually, I gave up alcohol too.

Over time, I noticed the difference these changes brought. I looked better. I felt better. I was better.

And it was only the beginning.

There are many advantages to working out in a gym.

There’s tons of fitness equipment. There’s climate control. There are TV screens to keep you entertained.

But when you take that away, the experience is decidedly less enjoyable.

One day, I arrived at the gym to find all the treadmills non-operational. So, I headed outside to run, for the first time in years.

The rest was history.

I soon exclusively became an outdoor runner. Eventually, I entered 5K races. Then, I joined some local running groups.

It wasn’t long before I was racing at longer distances — surprising myself with my performance at every turn. I had more speed and natural talent than I’d ever imagined. And I had a whole group of newfound friends encouraging me to make the most of my ability.

The unthinkable had happened. I’d shed the shadow of my bratty teenage self and become a bona fide runner.

Soon, I set my sights on a long-dormant dream: The New York City Marathon.

I knew plenty about the race already. Growing up in the area, I would follow the coverage year after year. And I’d gasp in awe at the Kenyan superstars who would break the tape in Central Park.

I yearned to run that race someday. But the thought of running 26.2 miles was so daunting to me that I’d convinced myself I never would.

Now, I was rethinking that stance. I was imagining running the streets of the Big Apple, with friends and family cheering me on. I was picturing myself with that finisher’s medal.

But the road ahead was less than assured. The New York Marathon is both the world’s biggest and one of the 5 toughest to enter — particularly for a distance running neophyte in Texas. My best shot would be to enter a random draw with a roughly 10% acceptance rate.

I put my name in the virtual hat. And it was drawn.

The impossible dream was headed toward reality. Or so I thought.

It started with an ache.

I was out running with a friend one morning when I felt the dull pain in my left leg.

Shin splints, I thought. When we stopped at a water fountain, I stretched my leg vigorously. It didn’t help.

I tried running through the discomfort for a time. I saw a chiropractor and a physical therapist. I bought some new resistance bands and massage balls.

I hoped I’d wake up one day and just feel right. I never did.

A visit to the doctor eventually confirmed what I’d feared. That pain in my leg was from a stress fracture. I’d need to take a couple months off and drop out of that year’s New York City Marathon.

My dream had gone from improbable to likely to life support. But it was still alive.

I had an option to defer my race entry to the next year, and I took it. That would give me more than a year to prepare for my second and final shot at the race.

But the road back would prove rocky.

Within a couple weeks of resuming running, I ran into issues with my right leg. I was hit with a double whammy – a new stress fracture below my right knee and a damaged ankle tendon that would require arthroscopic surgery.

I had made it through all that — the second shutdown, the surgery, the grueling rehab — and was ready for my second go at marathon training when my left knee started hurting. And then, it was all over.

My dream was dead.

It’s hard to take stock of what’s happened to me. It’s been such a strange odyssey, one that bubbles up a mess of emotions.

I am saddened that I failed in the pursuit of my dream. I am angered that my body betrayed me time and again. I am exhausted from navigating all the highs and lows of this journey. I am frustrated that I put in so much work with absolutely nothing to show for it. And I am resigned to the fact that this is how life goes sometimes.

But most of all, I am determined. Determined to move forward from this melancholy chapter.

Dreams can be fleeting. And sometimes our pursuit of them can lead to that token definition insanity — to trying the same thing and expecting a different result.

I’ve lived that experience now. And while I loathe the outcome, I do respect it.

So, running will look a little different for me moving forward. Life will look a little different.

But I am here for it.

The Best Days

When you look back, you’re gonna find that these were the best days of your life.

It seemed like this line was in half the movies I watched as a teenager.

And I watched a lot of them.

This was the era just before smartphones and streaming. It was easy to gather information on any movie ever released, but difficult to watch anything not currently in theaters.

So, I made a list of films to catch up on, and I methodically worked my way through it. First, courtesy of rental DVDs from the video store down the street. Then through DVDs sent by mail from a fledgling company called Netflix.

This was how I caught up on the classics, the contemporary classics — and all the high school movies.

The Breakfast Club? Dazed and Confused? American Pie? I saw them all — and others. And for the most part, I liked what I watched.

Still, this line about high school being the best years of one’s life irked me. It didn’t quite compute.

You see, I was in high school at that time. But it wasn’t exactly Ridgemont High. Instead, it was fancy private school with a hefty tuition.

I was not exceedingly well off. But my parents taught in the institution’s middle school. So, starting in 9th grade, I got the opportunity to enroll. And my parents benefitted a hefty tuition discount.

When it came to academics, I certainly belonged. I was a bright kid, able to meet the challenge of rigorous classes. But socially, I was a fish out of water.

I was a suburban kid, surrounded by the scions of the city. I had nothing in common with them, and they had little use for me. Plus, I was shy, and none of the girls I liked would give me the time of day.

I did have a best friend — who remains my closest friend to this day. And we got into all kinds of misadventures together. But aside from that, nothing seemed to match all those Hollywood scripts.

The best days of my life? I thought out loud one night, while studying for a Pre-Calculus exam. God, I hope not.

Going to college felt like lifting a weight from my shoulders.

I was in a new city, surrounded by new people, embracing newfound freedom. And I made the most of it.

Surrounded by friends, and with new experiences at my fingertips, I felt like a new person. I remember viscerally declaring that the movies were wrong. These were the best days of my life.

Yet, when I look back, some of that shine starts to fade.

I was the odd man out when my freshman dorm hall neighbors chose their suitemates for sophomore year. That meant I had to essentially start over as a second-year student.

While I did build a new social group, I had a falling out with many of them during my senior year. As my collegiate days dwindled, I found myself alone once again.

I also totaled my car on a busy freeway. And I once had to pack up and quickly move to a new off-campus home when my landlord got a foreclosure notice.

So yes, these were the days. But the best ones? Those were yet to come.

Job requires 3 to 5 years of applicable experience.

I read this line over and over as I browsed online job postings from my extended stay hotel room.

I didn’t have the applicable experience. But I applied anyway.

I had to.

You see, I’d spent the past two years and nine months in another city and another industry. I had taken a job that I loved but had come to loathe it.

So, I left for a fresh start. A new career. A new city. A new chance to find those best years of my life that I’d been chasing for the better part of a decade.

But the job experience disclaimer foretold a grim reality. There was no quick exit from purgatory.

By the time I did land a position, I’d accepted reality. I would need to spend five more years proving myself — professionally and personally — before better things came my way. I’d be pushing 30 years old by then. But better late than never.

So, I got to it.

I quickly learned my new trade and set out to master it. I changed my lifestyle to improve my health. And I enrolled in business school while working full-time.

I did hit a few bumps in the road — including a layoff — but I kept moving forward. And after those five years, I felt my investment paying off.

I was confident, self-sufficient, and self-assured. I’d learned to lean into my introversion. And I’d built enough life experience to bring contexts to the ups and downs of my day to day.

There was the potential for even more — once I earned my MBA and took my career to the next level. But at long last, the best days of my life were finally here.

For various reasons, that breakthrough never fully arrived. There have been a series of ups and downs in my life since then. But I still consider these to be the best days of my life.

Well, mostly.

Do I have the flu, or am I just old?

I ask myself this question each morning, as I achingly sit up in bed.

It might sound like a joke. But it’s the honest truth.

The days of me hitting the ground running are gone for good. My body is perpetually sore from resting, and it takes a moment to get going.

My sense of resilience is similarly elusive. As a boy, I once bounced back up and finished a race after falling on an asphalt track. Now, when I wipe out on black ice, I need a few minutes to compose myself before getting to my feet.

Yes, the best days of my life are long gone from a physical standpoint. I peaked athletically years ago and am now on a steady decline.

Of course, I didn’t make the most of those days. For they lined up with my early-adulthood malaise — when I lacked the discipline and maturity to make the most of my physical gifts.

I have to live with that now.

Staying healthy is a costly venture in every sense for me. Yet, the cost of unhealthy habits is even steeper.

It’s a brutal catch-22. One that my peers and I are all mired in.

I wish that the two peaks aligned. That physical mastery overlapped with mental and emotional maturity.

But that’s never been the case.

As humans, we’ve been trained for millennia to harness our skills in succession. First, we’d exhaust our physical gifts through menial work and procreation. Then, when our bodies started to give out, we’d share the gift of seasoned wisdom with the tribe.

Such are the ways of nature. And it would be preposterous for me to question them.

So, maybe it’s time for me to let go of the Hollywood fantasy. Maybe it’s time to acknowledge that there is no singular set of best days of my life to strive for.

What I was chasing, what I thought I attained — it may well have been a white whale.

It’s time to admit my error. To make peace with the concept that I’ve been at my best physically, mentally, and spiritually in different eras. And to simply be grateful for the gifts I’ve been given, instead of clamoring for what might still lie ahead.

I am making this shift. So should we all.

The Myth of the American Dream

Everyone talks about the American Dream. Of envisioning it. Of striving for it. Of living it.

The American Dream is the gold standard upon which our lives are calibrated. But I’m not on board with this mythology.

Dreams, you see, are illusions. Half-formed fantasies that remain out of grasp. Idealistic tropes that never had the structure and substance to be tangible in the first place.

So, no. I’m not living the American Dream. My journey is that of the American Reality.

I’ve had far more struggles than triumphs, but I have experienced both extremes. I’ve worked harder to maintain what I’ve got than I had to attain it in the first place – par for the course in a world where someone always has a hand in your pocket. I’ve exhausted myself — physically, mentally, and emotionally — more times than I can count, without ever getting that expended energy back. I’ve shed blood, sweat, and tears in my endeavors. And ultimately, I’ve had precious little to show for any of it.

I’ve fought uphill time and again. And I will persist in this venture until my heart stops beating.

These are the realities of my American life. Unsatisfying, unpleasant, but oh so true.

Through it all, I’ve been told that I should be grateful. That my problems are first-world problems. That there are others abroad struggling for food, shelter, or safety whose strife is more noteworthy.

I recognize the motivation behind this perspective, but I also believe that these two worlds are not compatible. The challenge I face – that so many of us face – as Americans are less existential than those found abroad. But they still carry a toll. And they deserve more credence than we dare to provide.

Freedom is a real concept. There’s no doubt about that. But it’s not absolute.

Freedom comes with strings attached. Strings that are more like weighted belts. Wishing away those strings – or worse, hiding our ongoing tussle with them from others – does more than set an unreasonable bar of false hope to reach for. It degrades the validity of what life in America is for so many of us.

So, let’s stop waxing poetic about the American Dream. Let’s stop grasping for a golden illusion at the expense of the reality in our midst.

We deserve better than to degrade our lived experience. We deserve the truth.