Month: May 2018

The Mirage of Relief

A cloud lifted.

This is the sensation we often feel when we can avoid making a decision our heart’s not fully invested in.

That decision often comes as we prepare to enter into a commitment that’s unfamiliar and scary.

It could be heading off to college, signing a mortgage, or committing to a new job.

Regardless of which type of tough decision we face, we react the same when we turn and walk away.

We feel as if the cloud has been lifted. We feel relief.

Relief is soothing. Relief is reassuring. And relief is extremely dangerous.

You see, there’s a misgiving embedded in relief. One that makes us believe we were right to run from our tough decisions or unpleasant commitments. One that says those choices were wrong for us, and that we provided our own salvation from them.

In essence, we treat relief as a White Knight. As the sensible way forward in a world of unpleasantness and confusion.

But this elevation of purpose is all kinds of wrong.

You see, relief is no savior. No, it’s actually a mirage.

Much like visions of water in the desert, it’s a reaction to our own hopes and dreams.

These hopes, these dreams — they’re heavily biased by our desires and fears. As such, they’re hardly objective at all.

Treating them as the voice of righteousness is like building a house of cards. They’re bound to come crashing down.

The truth is as follows: What makes us feel good isn’t always right. Sometimes, what’s difficult is what’s needed.

Think about it. What are we trading off for walking away? What is the price of comfort and uninterrupted happiness?

That price is the potential for something greater.

By playing it safe and letting our sense of relief win the day, we sacrifice our ability to grow and prosper. We cede the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them. We give up the chance to live at the edge of our comfort zone.

There’s nothing admirable in that.

Now, that’s not to say that walking away is the always the wrong thing to do.

There are no absolutes here. The choices we make are heavily impacted by our temperament, along with the specific situations we face.

Some of these situations may carry a heavy toll for walking away. Others might not.

But regardless, when we do decide to balk, we must not mistake relief for validation.

Instead, we must take the time to exhale and move forward. All while disposing of all in-the-moment sensations.

For if we do not do this, we will cloud our judgement for future decisions. We will continue to champion what’s comfortable over what’s most beneficial.

And should we do that, we’ll be hurting ourselves. And ruining our potential.

So, find solace in relief. But beware of the mirage.

Illusions can cut deeper than the sharpest dagger.

Self-Doubt vs. Self-Worth

Go forth with confidence.

Some sage advice you might have heard.

It can be useful at times. But there’s a fine line.

You see, if we display too much confidence — if we act too boldly — we might come off as arrogant, egotistical or not self-aware.

We might look as if we lack humility. Or that we don’t contain empathy for others whose paths we might cross.

In any case, we’ll look like we’re out of touch.

It’s far better for us to convey self-doubt than to act as if we know it all.

Wait, what?

Yes, this advice likely flies in the face of just about anything we’ve ever heard on the subject of confidence.

In fact, we spend considerable time trying to root out self-doubt. For we view uncertainty to be the antithesis of strength.

A fundamental question lies at the heart of this prevalent viewpoint.  If we don’t believe in ourselves, who will?

But using this question to remove self-doubt is a fool’s errand. It’s better suited for questions of self-worth.

And while those two phrases might sound similar, there’s actually a large chasm between them.

Self-doubt is a natural function of life. In an uncertain world where decisions don’t always pay off, it’s perfectly valid to question our own decisions.

After all, there’s likely someone out there with better qualifications, enhanced knowledge or more luck than us. And even they might not get it right all the time.

Self-doubt recognizes this gap between possibilities and reality. When used sporadically, it can serve as a powerful gut-check and a humbling reminder of our inherent imperfection.

Self-doubt keeps us honest. It keeps us grounded. It keeps us human.

Self-worth, on the other hand, takes this phenomenon a bridge too far. It questions not only our capability to perform a task, but also our viability for existing at all.

While self-doubt is akin to a spiritual awakening, self-worthlessness is a cry for help.

Unfortunately, many people can’t see the difference between self-doubt and self-worth. They can’t tell that a healthy reality check is not synonymous with a declaration of despair.

As such, our society tends to throw the baby out with the bath water. To consider any displays of humility and doubt to be signs of weakness.

Perhaps the confusion lies in the along the fine line that separates self-doubt and self-worth.

After all, self-doubt can be the first step in a downward spiral to self-worthlessness. But not always, and not often.

That’s the outlier case. A potent and devastating one, but an outlier nonetheless.

No, we far more commonly use self-doubt to define our boundaries. To see where the walls of the racetrack are. And to adjust accordingly.

Sometimes, we’ll take the effort to break through these boundaries. Other times, we’ll use them as guideposts to keep ourselves between the lines.

In either case, self-doubt can be healthy. And if it’s channeled in the right places, it can even be productive.

So, forget what you heard about fortune favoring the bold. And don’t trip over yourself to Go forth with confidence.

Our true power lies in our vulnerability.

The Forewarned Disadvantage

Does knowing the risks ahead of time make something worthwhile?

For the longest time, I would have said the answer to yes was this.

After all, mental preparation can be critical. If you know ahead of time that something bad might happen, you’ll ideally be prepared for it. Or at least you won’t feel blindsided by it.

This means you’ll be better prepared to navigate your way out of the trouble you encounter.

You’ll spend less time wondering What happened? and more time determining What’s next? Which can make all the difference — particularly when facing potentially lethal danger.

Of course, there’s an unspoken expectation that goes with this reasoning. One that assumes those with knowledge of the risks will somehow be less affected by them.

That somehow, these well-informed risktakers will take the lion’s share of the associated jolt at the point when they read the list of side effects. Not when trouble is at their tail.

This is why the term They knew the risks is so commonly used by those pundits who analyze the aftermath of disaster.

The translation? At least they were prepared.

This, of course, is ridiculous.

Nothing will soften the blow when something goes wrong. No prior knowledge can truly prepare you for the in-the-moment sensation of the train going off the tracks.

I know this firsthand. Not too long ago, I enrolled in a medical program that carried both great risk and reward.

By sticking to the program, I could eradicate my seasonal allergies. But the potential side effects of this program were grave, even lethal.

I was well aware of these side effects going into the program. I had to go through extensive training on warning signs and protocols. I was even given an EpiPen for emergency use.

But yet, I moved forward.

For several months, I saw no ill effects from the program. If anything, I could sense my health improving.

Cat dander no longer set my eyes watering. And the start of spring no longer gave me the sniffles.

But one day, my chickens came home to roost. The side effects I had learned about became all too real.

I knew immediately that something was terribly wrong. Being forewarned of the risks gave me that advantage.

Yet, while I was able to act quickly to stem the tide of trouble, doing so gave me no peace of mind. It didn’t remove the sickening feeling of my body spiraling out of control, or the sheer terror of being on the brink.

The symptoms I felt were just as raw and vivid as those of food poisoning or other surprise ailments. Knowing the risks ahead of time didn’t comfort me one iota in the moment.

There’s no telling if I’ll start the program again. The decision is out of my hands.

But even if it weren’t, it would be far from a slam dunk decision for me to continue. My urge to climb back on the horse is tempered by the sensation of once bitten, twice shy. A life-threatening ailment will have that effect on you.

Either way, I now think far differently about the significance of being forewarned.

I now think the conventional wisdom is wrong.

You see, all too often, we lionize those who feel the fear and do it anyway. We downplay the danger while promoting bravery.

It’s as if being brave makes us Superman. As if seeing the brick wall around the corner will keep us from breaking our bones when we slam into it at full speed.

This narrative is simply not true.

The risks we expose ourselves to are real. The pain is real. The ensuing emotions are real.

Forewarned or not, we’re bound to experience them all when trouble rears its head.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss. Perhaps being forewarned is actually a disadvantage.

I guess it all depends on our perspective.

But either way, it’s important to note that bracing for impact will only get us so far in the event of disaster.

Proceed accordingly.

Forward Motion

Take a hit and keep moving forward.

If you’ve come across challenges in your life, there’s a good chance you’ve heard this advice.

I’m not sure where the phrase comes from. But it likely found its origin in the world of sports.

You see, in football, hockey, lacrosse and a myriad of other sports, you’ll run into some physical contact on the way to your goal. You could get tackled, hit, upended or crunched into the boards by an opponent.

All of these outcomes can abruptly put a halt to your progress. But this stoppage need not be permanent.

If you can shake off the hit, get up and keep on going, there’s a good chance you’ll reach your goal – bruises and all.

All of this provides a good allegory for life as a whole.

If you can handle the adversity you face, unbroken and undeterred, you can reach that which seek.

So, it’s important not to give up when life knocks you on your hind side. It’s better to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward.

Of course, this is much easier said than done.

After all, getting knocked down is humiliating. Demoralizing even.

And no matter how many times we listen to that Chumbawamba song, out first instinct is likely not to get right up again.

But yet, we do.

What drives us ahead? What propels our forward motion, even at times when every fiber of our being wants to grind to a halt?

The answer varies.

Some of us are driven by persistence. By locking in on the end goal in moments of struggle and shaking off the setbacks, those of us in this boat take the long view.

Some of us are driven by retribution. By turning a no into a yes, proving the doubters wrong and showing it can be done, those of us in this boat take an adversarial tone.

And some of us are driven by necessity. By heeding the fear of being left high and dry – by recognizing that folding to all instances of adversity gives them no viable path forward – those of us in this boat rely on survival.

These are three very different approaches. But all provide the same result.

We are inspired to ride on. We are encouraged to propel ourselves toward something greater. We are driven to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move forward.

And in the process, we learn, grow and experience in ways we never would if there were never those bumps in the road.

Yes, while the destination remains the same, the journey becomes ever more valuable.

So, even if we fall down seven times, we owe it to ourselves to get up eight.

Forward motion is worth the effort.

Accepting The Blame

It’s our fault.

The way the world treats us. The opportunities are given and taken from us. The narrative that we see in the world around us.

It all comes back to us.

It’s tempting to blame others for our misfortunes. To blame our bosses for not giving us the raises we feel we deserve. To blame corporate executives for escalating prices on the services we rely upon.

It’s tempting to blame others for exposing us to risk. To blame self-interested investors for hitching our collective destiny to the uneasy wagon of the stock market. To blame banks for taking on bad debt risk and tanking our economy.

And it’s tempting to blame others for leaving a bad taste in our mouths. To blame Mark Zuckerberg for giving away our data to bad actors. Or the media for providing us story after story of blood and guts, deceit and divisiveness.

But it all comes back to us.

We’re responsible.

You see, our capitalist society is built upon more than the principle of free enterprise. It’s built in our image.

Yes, a system built on the tenets of supply and demand reflects our desires. Oftentimes, it reflects the best aspects of humanity. But other times, it speaks to the darkest parts of our nature.

Namely, our overindulgent, win-at-all-costs tendencies.

These flaws lie within all of us, regardless of character. While some of us outwardly display them more than others, they’re certainly omnipresent.

One look at the capitalist structure proves that.

The pursuit of the almighty dollar owns all in this society. The exchange of money plays a fundamental role in our everyday lives.

On a basic level, we trade money for the services needed to survive. That’s a value exchange that benefits both sides of the transaction.

But we’re not okay with staying at that basic level. We want to live into The American Dream.

We want the bigger house, the nicer car, the flashier amenities. We want more, more, more — regardless of the collateral damage that comes with it.

This setup speaks to overindulgence. To a game with winners and losers that continually requires us to get an edge.

The corporate world reflects these values we espouse.

It has to.

Companies come into existence to satisfy our needs. Our overindulgence keeps them alive and thriving – as it provides fledgling companies an abundance demand to serve.

All until companies reach critical mass, and become mature. At that point, the goal becomes to keep that edge. To grow that demand even further, in order to satisfy their investors and keep their competitors at bay. Just as with our individual pursuits, there can never be enough.

Humanity inevitably gets lost in this process. Companies prioritize profits over people. Customers become commodities and employees become expendable.

It’s easy to vilify faceless corporations or their executives for being heartless, greedy and cruel when we feel the sting of these decisions. But it’s far more likely that the real villain is in staring back at us in the mirror.

We are the engine that drives business. Our needs, wants and desires impact the outcomes we see.

We have the voice and power to stem the tide, to turn things in a brighter, less ugly direction.

But we must accept the blame.

We must let go of the narrative that we are good and the world is evil.

We must recognize that the flaws we have within us impact the results we see without.

And we must work to exhibit restraint. To resist overindulging or winning at the expense of others.

No more scapegoats.

The key to a brighter, warmer kinder world lies within.

Let’s seek it out.