Month: November 2017

The Fine Line of Modesty

If there’s one attribute that’s universally commended, it’s modesty.

The value of remaining humble and reserved has persisted across the sands of time.

After all, modesty is the polar opposite of hubris. And we have countless cautionary tales — from Icarus to Macbeth — of how our own ego can lead to our downfall.

By contrast, modesty is safe. It makes us homogeneous and relatable. It adheres us to the tribe. It provides a subtle, yet powerful script to follow.

Our society certainly buys into the power this attribute holds. We love to toast the modest and roast the egotistical. We encourage others to be down to earth and love our neighbors.

Modesty is the gold standard. That which we’re expected to continually strive for.

But by placing it above all else, we walk a fine line — the line between modesty and imposter syndrome.

What is imposter syndrome? It’s a condition that causes us to doubt our accomplishments. To question our worthiness of the praise we receive.

It’s the indelible belief that we’re a fraud, and it’s only a matter of time until people find out and expose us for what we are.

I’ve battled this condition before, and many accomplished people have as well.

Of course, these doubts are entirely ludicrous. We are worthy of our accomplishments. By and large, we’re not frauds or impostors.

So, why are so many of us convinced otherwise?

It goes back to our societal infatuation with modesty.

Think about what modesty truly stands for. There are many possible answers, yet one seems particularly pertinent.

Deference.

Yes, we place great value on deferring to others. On sharing with them and empowering them. We demand these principles out of our leaders as much as we anticipate it from their followers.

This is the principle that allows us to enact sustainable power structures — those which guide us in the right direction without losing the peace.

Since deference is so critical, it’s only natural that we lean heavily toward modesty — the philosophy that espouses it more than any other. We’re expected to value the opinions and expertise of others ahead of our own. To be aware of how small our role is in the grander scheme of things.

But the weight of these expectations can make us too deferential. It can cause us to defer our own values, to question our own self-worth. It can spur us to retreat when those around us are looking to us to contribute.

It can make us feel like imposters, when we’re anything but.

What’s the way out of this conundrum?

Well, as with any situation that toes a fine line, the answer is not clear cut. Yet, there is something out there that can help ease the burden we place upon ourselves.

A commitment to positive recognition.

If we take the time to recognize each other for our accomplishments, we’ll no longer feel like ants masquerading as giants.

If we spend private moments of introspection considering what we bring to the table, we’ll start to realize we belong.

This will be far from a cut-and-dry process. After all, those who display modesty are hard-wired to deflect praise.

But through enough time and commitment, we can share the message that no matter how modest we are, our contributions matter.

We can proclaim, for once and for all, that we belong.

And there’s no modesty needed for that.

Honor In Humility

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. And as longtime Words of the West readers know, I’m not one to gloss over that fact.

No, while many are excited to get a jump on their holiday shopping or decorate their homes in lights, I’m very much in the moment.

Thanksgiving means more than Family, Food and Football. It means reflecting on all we have to be thankful for.

It’s about gratitude. It’s about appreciation. It’s about humility.

These aren’t emotions we naturally wear on our chest. Mac Davis once sang “Lord, it’s hard to be humble,” and we’ve done little to dispute that claim since then. The rapid rise of tech entrepreneurs and the myth of the self-made man have fooled us into believing that success is solely in our hands.

It’s not.

Truth be told, many people play a supporting role in our life’s work. It starts with our parents, who take care of us when we’re too young to do so ourselves. It continues with our teachers, who help us expand our mind. Then come friends and significant others, who lift us up on an emotional level. And finally, there are all those who provide us opportunities, and allow us to build the life we want.

Think we’d be where we are without any of this? No chance.

Yet, we find it difficult to admit this. At least publicly.

I’m not sure why that is. Is it ego? Pride?

Regardless of the answer, Thanksgiving gets us back to our senses.

It reminds us that there’s actually great honor in humility. In being introspective on our own vulnerability and appreciative of all those who led us through the fire.

It demonstrates that we’re all part of something bigger. That our stories are intertwined and those connections are what truly matter.

I wish we took the time to recognize these principles more than once a year. That allowed ourselves to be vulnerable. To be grateful. To put others first.

But as it is, I’m glad there’s a moment between Halloween Candy and Christmas Trees when we can do all this. When we can rediscover the honor in humility and share it with the ones who matter to us most.

This year, let’s make sure that moment doesn’t pass us by.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Given or Gotten?

As we seek to improve our standing in life, we essentially have two options.

We can wait for things to be handed to us, or we can work at getting them ourselves.

Both methods can get results, at least in theory. But one rings true, and the other rings hollow.

It makes more sense to go after the life we want than it does to wait for it to be handed to us.

There’s some sweat equity in going for our goals, to be sure. But this method provides more control over our destiny.

Many people do follow this path, and see great results from it. But plenty of others shun it, for a couple reasons.

First off, the idea of getting what we want is all too often interpreted as denying someone else what’s theirs. This has led to a culture of abuse and male dominance. An ugly culture that has come into the limelight due to sexual assault and harassment scandals in the sports and entertainment world.

Getting what we want for ourselves should never be a zero-sum game. It should instead be an intensely personal process. A process that empowers us to take control of our own lives to improve our situation. A process that implores us to up our effort, knowledge and skill set in order to attain the goal we set for ourselves.

It’s about stoking the fire within. It’s about finding self-power, not exerting power over others to improve one’s standing.

Those who find success by scrapping for it generally recognize this key differentiation, and stay on the clean side of it. But many people see the entire process as dirty, and steer clear of it.

This leads to the second objection. Going after what we want is often viewed as a needless exercise. Why get down in the dirt for something, when you can just wait to be handed it instead?

This approach is far from delusional. After all, we see it in action each time we get a paycheck. We fulfill our work obligations with the expectation that the money we earned will be headed our way on payday.

The problem arises when we try and expand this thinking to other aspects of our lives. It makes us look like we lack inspiration. And it places control of our hopes and dreams in another’s hands.

Why on earth do we think this is a good idea?

It’s time we get real. It’s time we stop hitching our future successes to the benevolence of others. It’s time we recognize that while Santa Claus might give kids the gifts they want, he doesn’t go around handing adults the life they dream of.

It’s time we get gritty. It’s time we focus in on what we want and then roll up our sleeves and get after it. It’s time that we get comfortable with making short-term sacrifices to serve long-term benefits.

It’s time we get smart. It’s time we devote ourselves to learning new skills and honing existing ones. It’s time we recognize he dual power of patience and persistence, and swing that balance in our favor.

Most of all, it’s time we take control. It’s our life and our future. We must be in the driver’s seat for this journey.

For the best things in life are not given. They’re gotten.

Beating The Odds

Few phrases are as overdone as Beating the odds.

It seems as if this phrase comes out anytime someone overcomes a significant challenge. There’s seemingly always some mention of how the odds were stacked against that person, yet they overcame them anyway.

The parlance is used so frequently, in fact, that there’s never even a need to dust it off.

The implications of this statement are clear. Someone has done something unlikely and significant, and should be lauded for it.

Yet, the dramatic nature of the phrase Beating the odds belies one important fact.

The person was likely to overcome the challenge they faced. They were just more likely to succumb to it.

This might sound like a small detail, but hear me out.

We live in a world of polarization. It’s acceptable to accentuate differences in lifestyle choices, sports allegiances or politics. And words such as never and always are part of our everyday vocabulary.

We capitalize on extremes because it garners attention. And the debates we have with those with opposing viewpoints get the blood flowing and make us feel alive.

But extending this behavior to the narratives we tell — of ourselves or those we admire — is a fallacy.

You see, as long as our hearts are beating, we have a chance of doing something extraordinary, regardless how slim that chance might be.

Where there is a will, there is a way. So, every day provides us an opportunity to overcome an adverse situation or perform a notable feat.

It’s not always easy, but it’s certainly within the realm of possibility.

All too often, we forget this simple mathematical fact, and act as if the improbable feat we witnessed took the world off its axis.

And that’s just plain wrong.

Let us not forget why odds are out there in the first place. They’re designed so that others can handicap our future, and determine our destiny.

These people benefit by having these odds in place. But we’re no better off.

Why let them determine our fate? Our lives are our own, after all. What’s plausible should have no impact on what’s possible.

So, let’s change the conversation.

Let’s consider each day as a stepping stone as we work on achieving our hopes and dreams. Let’s focus on what’s in our realm of possibility and ignore any outside noise telling us how unlikely it might be.

Above all, let’s focus on our accomplishments. Both those behind us and those yet to come.

Odds are, that’s a better outlook to take.

Facing Fear

Fear is one of the most powerful and universal motivators out there.

Regardless of our environment or disposition, we actively avoid situations that terrify us. Much like the antelope running from the lion on the Serengeti, fear drives us forward.

Fear inspires us to try harder, remain vigilant and avoid situations that make us feel uncomfortable. The message: Avoid unpleasant outcomes at all costs.

It’s all stick, no carrot. But it’s plenty effective anyway.

Yet, while fear can save us from being stagnant or careless, it can also prevent us from exploring the depths of our possibilities.

After all, the world is plenty scary. And we all too often remain inside our bubble to avoid facing our fears.

But, it turns out the safe play isn’t always the smart one.

While it makes sense to lock our cars and our homes, it’s foolish to lock our minds and our hearts.

Worse still, it’s futile. Because no matter how much we try and insulate ourselves from our fears, there’s a chance we’ll still end up facing them head-on.

And when we do, we might find them to be less terrifying than we’d anticipated.

I know this firsthand. For the first four years of my professional life, I was terrified of losing my job.

So, I played it safe. I didn’t take many risks. I asked my supervisors for a second opinion on my decisions constantly. And I volunteered to help colleagues whenever possible.

I did all this to make myself indispensable. To keep from losing my job.

But it happened anyway.

My second employer — the first one to give me a chance when I switched careers — laid me off after less than ten months on the job.

It was raw and painful for me at first. I couldn’t understand why I was out of a job, even though my job performance was high.

You see, I never considered that factors beyond my control might impact my employment status. That my position might be collateral damage if my employer was struggling.

(As it turns out, the venture that let me go went bust two months later.)

No, I wasn’t considering any of that at the time. Instead, I was considering myself a failure. I remember asking myself How could I ever hope to land another job with this black mark on my resume? And how am I going to be able to afford the rent?

I quickly learned how shortsighted this thinking was.

My current employer hired me within two weeks. And all that anxiety over upcoming rent payments evaporated.

I’d faced my fears head-on, and survived.

I’ve noticed a change in myself since that time. I’m more willing to take risks now, to get outside of my comfort zone, to be bold and direct.

This has made me a more indispensable and innovative employee than I was when I obsessed over my job status.

Yes, I have the luxury of being fearless now, because I’ve already experienced my fears. And I’ve discovered they’re not quite the monsters I thought they would be.

Truth is, we all have this luxury. We just need the gumption to act on it — within reason of course. (I wouldn’t recommend diving onto jagged rocks or swatting a hornet’s nest with your bare hands, for instance.)

Facing our fears isn’t easy. Such is the nature of running at something that chases us.

But it’s most certainly worth it.

So, be bold. Be strong.

Face that fear head-on, and you’ll stand to rise above it.